第03章 失望的感觉
§1
第03章 失望的感觉
§2
Chap.3 - Feelings of Despair
§3
在一八四二年六月间，米勒耳先生第二次来到波特兰城布道。这时我正在沮丧失意之中，并且觉得自己还没有预备好迎见我的救主；所以我认为这次又能赴会听讲，实在是个上好的权利。合城的人对这第二次的布道会远比第一次来得兴奋。可是除了少数的例外，一般公会都闭门拒绝米勒耳先生。许多教会都在讲台上设法揭发这位演讲者的所谓狂热的谬见；但总有成群至为忧急的听众前来赴会，以致许多人无法挤进会堂。{1T 21.1}[1]
§4
In June, 1842, Mr. Miller gave his second course of lectures in Portland. I felt it a great privilege to attend these lectures, for I had fallen under discouragements and did not feel prepared to meet my Saviour. This second course created much more excitement in the city than the first. With few exceptions the different denominations closed the doors of their churches against Mr. Miller. Many discourses from the various pulpits sought to expose the alleged fanatical errors of the lecturer; but crowds of anxious listeners attended his meetings, while many were unable to enter the house.{1T 21.1}[1]
§5
会众都是异常地安静并注意听讲。米勒耳先生讲道的方式既非文采横溢，也不激昂雄辩，他只是提出简明而动人的事实来，使他的听众从冷淡不经意的景况中醒悟。他在讲道时，总是引用圣经来证实这些话语和理论。他的话都带有一种令人折服的能力，使人感觉句句都是真实的。{1T 21.2}[2]
§6
The congregations were unusually quiet and attentive. His manner of preaching was not flowery or oratorical, but he dealt in plain and startling facts that roused his hearers from their careless indifference. He supported his statements and theories by Scripture proof as he progressed. A convincing power attended his words that seemed to stamp them as the language of truth.{1T 21.2}[2]
§7
他是彬彬有礼而善表同情的。当堂内已经满座而讲台的左右好像过分拥挤的时候，我曾看见他走下讲台，到下面讲席的通路中去扶一位体弱的老人或老妇，替他们寻找座位，然后再回去继续他的讲论。他确实是一位配称为“慈父米勒耳”的人，因为他对于凡来听他讲道的人都怀着满腔爱护的热忱，他的禀性温和，为人忠厚，心地慈悲。{1T 21.3}[3]
§8
He was courteous and sympathetic. When every seat in the house was full, and the platform and places about the pulpit seemed crowded, I have seen him leave the desk and walk down the aisle, and take some feeble old man or woman by the hand and find a seat for them, then return and resume his discourse. He was indeed rightly called Father Miller, for he had a watchful care over those who came under his ministrations, was affectionate in his manner, of a genial disposition and tender heart.{1T 21.3}[3]
§9
他是一个能引人入胜的演说家，他的劝勉对于自称为基督徒以及冥顽不化的人，都很适当而且带有能力。有时会场中弥漫着一种非常严肃的气氛，令人痛苦扎心。许多人依服了上帝圣灵的感动。白发苍苍的老翁与年迈的妇女们，都战战兢兢地来到台前祷告；那些身强力壮的中年人，青年与儿童，也都深深地受到感动。痛哭流泪的声音与颂赞上帝的歌声，已交织在祷告的坛上。{1T 22.1}[4]
§10
He was an interesting speaker, and his exhortations, both to professed Christians and the impenitent, were appropriate and powerful. Sometimes a solemnity so marked as to be painful, pervaded his meetings. Many yielded to the conviction of the Spirit of God. Gray-haired men and aged women with trembling steps sought the anxious seats. Those in the strength of maturity, the youth and children, were deeply stirred. Groans and the voice of weeping and of praise to God were mingled at the altar of prayer.{1T 22.1}[4]
§11
上帝仆人所讲严肃的话语我都相信，所以当人们加以反对或嘲笑的时候，我就非常痛心。我常赴这些聚会，并且相信耶稣不久就要驾天云降临；我最大的焦虑就是要如何预备好迎见祂。我时常默念的题旨乃是心地的圣洁。我最大的愿望就是要得到这莫大的福惠，并感觉到上帝已经完全悦纳了我。{1T 22.2}[5]
§12
I believed the solemn words spoken by the servant of God, and my heart was pained when they were opposed or made the subject of jest. I frequently attended the meetings, and believed that Jesus was soon to come in the clouds of heaven; but my great anxiety was to be ready to meet Him. My mind constantly dwelt upon the subject of holiness of heart. I longed above all things to obtain this great blessing and feel that I was entirely accepted of God.{1T 22.2}[5]
§13
在卫理公会的信徒中我听过许多有关成圣的事。我见过人们在强烈的精神兴奋下全身无力，也听过人们宣布这就是成圣的证据。但我不能明白为了完全献身于上帝必须做什么。我的基督徒朋友对我说：“现在就相信耶稣！现在就相信祂悦纳你！”我试着这样去做了，但发现我不可能相信自己已得到了那种令我全身振奋的福气。我奇怪自己心地的刚硬，因为不能体验别人所表现的精神兴奋。我觉得自己似乎与他们是不同的，永远得不到内心圣洁的完全喜乐。{1T 22.3}[6]
§14
Among the Methodists I had heard much in regard to sanctification. I had seen persons lose their physical strength under the influence of strong mental excitement, and had heard this pronounced the evidence of sanctification. But I could not comprehend what was necessary in order to be fully consecrated to God. My Christian friends said to me: Believe in Jesus now! Believe that He accepts you now! This I tried to do, but found it impossible to believe that I had received a blessing which, it seemed to me, should electrify my whole being. I wondered at my own hardness of heart in being unable to experience the exaltation of spirit that others manifested. It seemed to me that I was different from them and forever shut out from the perfect joy of holiness of heart.{1T 22.3}[6]
§15
我对称义与成圣的概念模糊不清，觉得这两种状态是彼此分离的；但我不明白这些术语的意义，也不明白两者之间的区别。传道人的所有解释，反而增加了我的困难。我无法为自己祈求祝福，想知道这是否只是在卫理公会才会发生的情况，是否我参加复临大会，就不会自绝于我最想得到的上帝使人成圣之灵了。{1T 23.1}[7]
§16
My ideas concerning justification and sanctification were confused. These two states were presented to my mind as separate and distinct from each other; yet I failed to comprehend the difference or understand the meaning of the terms, and all the explanations of the preachers increased my difficulties. I was unable to claim the blessing for myself, and wondered if it was to be found only among the Methodists, and if, in attending the advent meetings, I was not shutting myself away from that which I desired above all else, the sanctifying Spirit of God.{1T 23.1}[7]
§17
我还观察到，有些自称已成圣的人，在听人介绍基督复临的主题时竟表现出一种苦毒的精神。我认为这并不象他们所自称的圣洁的表现。我不能理解传道人为什么在讲台上那么反对基督复临已近的道理。这种信仰的传讲已带来了改革，许多最忠诚的传道人和平信徒已将它接受为真理。我觉得诚心爱耶稣的人都会欣然接受祂降临的消息，并且因祂的降临已近而欢喜快乐。{1T 23.2}[8]
§18
Still, I observed that some of those who claimed to be sanctified, manifested a bitter spirit when the subject of the soon coming of Christ was introduced; this did not seem to me a manifestation of the holiness which they professed. I could not understand why ministers from the pulpit should so oppose the doctrine that Christs second coming was near. Reformation had followed the preaching of this belief, and many of the most devoted ministers and laymen had received it as the truth. It seemed to me that those who sincerely loved Jesus would be ready to accept the tidings of His coming and rejoice that it was at hand.{1T 23.2}[8]
§19
我觉得自己只能追求他们所说的称义。我在上帝的话中读到了非圣洁就没有人能见上帝。因而我必须达到某种更高的境界，才有永生的把握。我继续研究这个题目；因为我相信基督不久就要来了，惟恐祂会发现我没有预备好迎见祂。定罪的话日夜萦绕在我耳际。我向上帝不断地呼求：我当做什么才能得救？{1T 23.3}[9]
§20
I felt that I could claim only what they called justification. In the word of God I read that without holiness no man should see God. Then there was some higher attainment that I must reach before I could be sure of eternal life. I studied over the subject continually; for I believed that Christ was soon to come, and feared He would find me unprepared to meet Him. Words of condemnation rang in my ears day and night, and my constant cry to God was, What shall I do to be saved?{1T 23.3}[9]
§21
在我看来，上帝的公义超越了祂的怜悯和仁爱。人们曾教导我相信有一个永远燃烧着烈焰的地狱。我一直惊恐地想到，我的罪太大了，不能得到赦免。我应该永远沦丧。我所听到关于灭亡之人的可怕描述已深印在我的脑海里。讲台上的传道人形象地讲论了沦丧之人的状况。他们教导说，上帝只准备拯救成圣的人。上帝的眼目始终盯在我们身上；每一件罪都记录在册，并将受到公正的惩罚。上帝以无限的智慧准确地保留了这些案卷。我们所犯的每一件罪都被如实地记录下来，与我们作对。{1T 23.4}[10]
§22
In my mind the justice of God eclipsed His mercy and love. I had been taught to believe in an eternally burning hell, and the horrifying thought was ever before me that my sins were too great to be forgiven, and that I should be forever lost. The frightful descriptions that I had heard of souls in perdition sank deep into my mind. Ministers in the pulpit drew vivid pictures of the condition of the lost. They taught that God proposed to save none but the sanctified. The eye of God was upon us always; every sin was registered and would meet its just punishment. God Himself was keeping the books with the exactness of infinite wisdom, and every sin we committed was faithfully recorded against us.{1T 23.4}[10]
§23
人们描述撒但急于抓住他的掠物并把我们带到痛苦的深渊，很高兴我们在一个永远燃烧的地狱里受苦。我们在那里受了千年万载的折磨之后，火浪会把扭动挣扎的受苦者卷到表面。他们尖声道：“主啊，要到几时，要到几时呢？”于是有回答的雷霆下达深渊：“直到永远！”炽热的巨浪就再次吞没沦丧的人，把他们带到一个永远燃烧的火湖深渊。{1T 24.1}[11]
§24
Satan was represented as eager to seize upon his prey and bear us to the lowest depths of anguish, there to exult over our sufferings in the horrors of an eternally burning hell, where, after the tortures of thousands upon thousands of years, the fiery billows would roll to the surface the writhing victims, who would shriek: How long, O Lord, how long? Then the answer would thunder down the abyss: Through all eternity! Again the molten waves would engulf the lost, carrying them down into the depths of an ever-restless sea of fire.{1T 24.1}[11]
§25
在听这些骇人的描述时，我思潮澎湃，开始出汗，忍不住发出痛苦的哭泣，因为我似乎已感受到灭亡的痛苦。然后传道人会描述人生的无常：此刻我们在世，下一刻就可能下地狱了；或者此刻我们在地上，下一刻就在天堂了。我们愿意选择火湖与鬼魔们为伍呢，还是选择天国的福气，与天使们作伴呢？我们愿意永远听到哀号之声和沦丧之人的咒诅呢，还是在宝座之前唱耶稣之歌呢？{1T 24.2}[12]
§26
While listening to these terrible descriptions, my imagination would be so wrought upon that the perspiration would start, and it was difficult to suppress a cry of anguish, for I seemed to already feel the pains of perdition. Then the minister would dwell upon the uncertainty of life. One moment we might be here, and the next in hell, or one moment on earth, and the next in heaven. Would we choose the lake of fire and the company of demons, or the bliss of heaven with angels for our companions? Would we hear the voice of wailing and the cursing of lost souls through all eternity, or sing the songs of Jesus before the throne?{1T 24.2}[12]
§27
给我的印象是：天父是一个暴君，以被定罪之人的痛苦为乐，而不是罪人温柔慈怜的朋友，以超过人理解的爱关爱祂所造的人，切愿他们得救到祂的国里。{1T 24.3}[13]
§28
Our heavenly Father was presented before my mind as a tyrant, who delighted in the agonies of the condemned; not the tender, pitying Friend of sinners, who loves His creatures with a love past all understanding and desires them to be saved in His kingdom.{1T 24.3}[13]
§29
我的情绪很敏感，害怕使任何一个动物受苦。我看到动物受虐待就心疼。或许我的同情心更容易因痛苦而引起，因为我自己就曾是粗心暴行的受害者，造成的伤害曾使我的童年充满忧伤阴郁。但是当我想到上帝喜欢按祂的形像所造的人受折磨时，似乎就有一堵黑墙把我和祂隔开了。当我想到宇宙的创造主会把恶人投入地狱，在那里永远不停地烧他们时，我的心就因恐惧而消沉了，并对如此残暴的主会屈尊救我脱离罪的厄运丧失了信心。{1T 25.1}[14]
§30
My feelings were very sensitive. I dreaded giving pain to any living creature. When I saw animals ill-treated, my heart ached for them. Perhaps my sympathies were more easily excited by suffering because I myself had been the victim of thoughtless cruelty, resulting in the injury that had darkened my childhood. But when the thought took possession of my mind that God delighted in the torture of His creatures, who were formed in His image, a wall of darkness seemed to separate me from Him. When I reflected that the Creator of the universe would plunge the wicked into hell, there to burn through the ceaseless rounds of eternity, my heart sank with fear, and I despaired that so cruel and tyrannical a being would ever condescend to save me from the doom of sin.{1T 25.1}[14]
§31
我以为被定罪之罪人的命运将是我的命运。我将永远忍受地狱的火焰，甚至象上帝自己存在得那么久。这种印象深印在我心上，直到我担心自己会失去理智。我会忌妒地看着无言的牲畜，因为它们死后没有灵魂要受惩罚。我心中曾多次希望自己从未出生过。{1T 25.2}[15]
§32
I thought that the fate of the condemned sinner would be mine, to endure the flames of hell forever, even as long as God Himself existed. This impression deepened upon my mind until I feared that I would lose my reason. I would look upon the dumb beasts with envy, because they had no soul to be punished after death. Many times the wish arose that I had never been born.{1T 25.2}[15]
§33
我完全被黑暗所笼罩，似乎无法摆脱这些阴影。要是真理象我现在明白的这样被介绍给我，原会使我免遭许多的困惑和悲伤。如果多讲上帝的爱，少讲祂严厉的审判，祂品格的荣美原会激励我更深更恳切地爱我的创造主。{1T 25.3}[16]
§34
Total darkness settled upon me, and there seemed no way out of the shadows. Could the truth have been presented to me as I now understand it, much perplexity and sorrow would have been spared me. If the love of God had been dwelt upon more, and His stern justice less, the beauty and glory of His character would have inspired me with a deep and earnest love for my Creator.{1T 25.3}[16]
§35
从那时以来，我一直以为许多住在精神病院的人都是因与我自己相似的经验被带到那里去的。他们的良心因罪恶感而受折磨，他们战兢的信心不敢要求上帝所应许的饶恕。他们听着传统地狱的描述，直到它似乎使他们血管中的血液都凝固了，并且烙印在他们记忆的匾额上。无论醒着还是睡着，那可怕的景象总是在他们面前，直到现实迷失在想象中，他们就只见到一个烈焰熊熊的骇人地狱，只听到注定灭亡之人的惨叫声了。理智丧失了，脑中充满了可怕梦魇的疯狂幻想。那些教导永恒地狱教义的人，最好认真思考一下他们这种残忍教义的权威性。{1T 25.4}[17]
§36
I have since thought that many inmates of insane asylums were brought there by experiences similar to my own. Their consciences were stricken with a sense of sin, and their trembling faith dared not claim the promised pardon of God. They listened to descriptions of the orthodox hell until it seemed to curdle the very blood in their veins, and burned an impression upon the tablets of their memory. Waking or sleeping, the frightful picture was ever before them, until reality became lost in imagination, and they saw only the wreathing flames of a fabulous hell, and heard only the shrieking of the doomed. Reason became dethroned, and the brain was filled with the wild phantasy of a terrible dream. Those who teach the doctrine of an eternal hell would do well to look more closely after their authority for so cruel a belief.{1T 25.4}[17]
§37
以前我从未在公众面前作过祷告，而且在祷告会里也只怯怯地说过几句。现在我受了感动，觉得我应当在人数不多的见证聚会中，藉着祈祷寻求上帝。我不敢这样做，惟恐临时慌乱，无法表达自己的心意。但这种责任是那么强烈地压在我的心上，甚至我何时尝试作私自祷告，就觉得好像是在亵慢上帝一样，因为我没有顺从祂的旨意。从此我被绝望悲观所压倒，以致三个星期之久没有一线光明穿透那围绕我的幽暗。{1T 26.1}[18]
§38
I had never prayed in public and had only spoken a few timid words in prayer meeting. It was now impressed upon me that I should seek God in prayer at our small social meetings. This I dared not do, fearful of becoming confused and failing to express my thoughts. But the duty was impressed upon my mind so forcibly that when I attempted to pray in secret I seemed to be mocking God because I had failed to obey His will. Despair overwhelmed me, and for three long weeks no ray of light pierced the gloom that encompassed me.{1T 26.1}[18]
§39
我心中的痛苦非常剧烈。有时我整夜不敢合眼，直等我孪生姊姊已经睡熟，我就悄悄地下床来跪在地板上，默默祈求，心里有无可言喻的痛苦。地狱里永火焚烧的惨景常在我的眼前出现。我知道长此下去，我是不能再活了；可是我又不敢死，惟恐遭遇那罪人可怕的劫运。这时我对于那些承认自己已蒙上帝悦纳的人，真是何等地羡慕!在我痛苦的心灵看来，基督徒的希望该是何等地宝贵啊! {1T 26.2}[19]
§40
My sufferings of mind were intense. Sometimes for a whole night I would not dare to close my eyes, but would wait until my twin sister was fast asleep, then quietly leave my bed and kneel upon the floor, praying silently with a dumb agony that cannot be described. The horrors of an eternally burning hell were ever before me. I knew that it was impossible for me to live long in this state, and I dared not die and meet the terrible fate of the sinner. With what envy did I regard those who realized their acceptance with God! How precious did the Christians hope seem to my agonized soul!{1T 26.2}[19]
§41
我累次几乎整夜地跪祷，叹息而且颤抖，有难以言宣的痛苦，也有无法形容的绝望。我祈祷说：“主啊，开恩可怜我!”正如那可怜的税吏一般，连举目望天也不敢，只是把脸俯在地上。我的身体消瘦，气力衰弱，然而我却没有对人提说自己的痛苦与绝望。{1T 26.3}[20]
§42
I frequently remained bowed in prayer nearly all night, groaning and trembling with inexpressible anguish and a hopelessness that passes all description. Lord, have mercy! was my plea, and, like the poor publican, I dared not lift my eyes to heaven, but bowed my face upon the floor. I became very much reduced in flesh and strength, yet kept my suffering and despair to myself. {1T 26.3}[20]
§43
当我这样沮丧的时候，得了一个梦，在我心中留下了深刻的印象。我在梦中看见一个殿，见有许多人拥进殿去。时日终结时，惟有在殿里避难的人才能得救；凡留外面的人都会永远灭亡。许多在外面的人都各行己道，嘲笑那些进殿去的人，并对他们说，这种求得安全的方法，乃是欺骗人的诡计，因为实际上并没有什么必须躲避的危险。他们甚至于将一些人挡住，拦阻他们不要急忙进到里面去。{1T 27.1}[21]
§44
While in this state of despondency I had a dream that made a deep impression upon my mind. I dreamed of seeing a temple, to which many persons were flocking. Only those who took refuge in that temple would be saved when time should close. All who remained outside would be forever lost. The multitudes without who were going about their various ways, derided and ridiculed those who were entering the temple, and told them that this plan of safety was a cunning deception, that in fact there was no danger whatever to avoid. They even laid hold of some to prevent them from hastening within the walls.{1T 27.1}[21]
§45
那时我恐怕受到嘲笑，心想最好等众人都散开了，或是在他们看不见的时候，我才进殿去。但是人数不但未见减少，反而越来越多，我恐怕错过机会，便速速离家，挤过人群。我因切望走进殿内，故此对于四面拥挤我的人，一点也没有注意到。走进去之后，我看见这座宏伟的殿只有一根巨大的柱子支持着，柱子上缚着一个遍体受伤流血的羔羊。我们在场的人好像都知道这羔羊是为我们的缘故而被撕裂压伤的。凡进入殿内的人都必须到羔羊面前来承认自己的罪。{1T 27.2}[22]
§46
Fearing to be ridiculed, I thought best to wait until the multitude dispersed, or until I could enter unobserved by them. But the numbers increased instead of diminishing, and fearful of being too late, I hastily left my home and pressed through the crowd. In my anxiety to reach the temple I did not notice or care for the throng that surrounded me. On entering the building, I saw that the vast temple was supported by one immense pillar, and to this was tied a lamb all mangled and bleeding. We who were present seemed to know that this lamb had been torn and bruised on our account. All who entered the temple must come before it and confess their sins.{1T 27.2}[22]
§47
在羔羊的面前有一排高的座位，上面坐着一群面现喜容的人。仿佛有天上的光照在他们的脸上，他们赞美上帝，并唱着快乐感谢的诗歌，仿佛天使所奏的音乐一般。这些人都已在羔羊面前承认自己的罪，并且得蒙赦免，现在他们满心欢喜地期待着一件快乐的大事来到。{1T 27.3}[23]
§48
Just before the lamb were elevated seats, upon which sat a company looking very happy. The light of heaven seemed to shine upon their faces, and they praised God and sang songs of glad thanksgiving that seemed like the music of the angels. These were they who had come before the lamb, confessed their sins, received pardon, and were now waiting in glad expectation of some joyful event.{1T 27.3}[23]
§49
就在我进入殿内之后，我也不由得惧怕起来，并感觉得羞愧，因为我必须在这些人面前自卑，但我似乎是被迫向前，慢慢地绕着柱子而行，以便面向那羔羊，这时忽然有号角吹响，全殿震动，聚集在那里的圣徒都发出胜利的呐喊，有一道眩目的亮光照耀殿宇，随即又变成极其黑暗。那些快乐的会众与亮光都不见了，只留下我一个人在那可怕的静夜之中。我醒过来时，心中非常痛苦。我似难相信只是作了一场梦。在我看来，我的厄运似已注定；主的灵已经离开我，永远不再回来了。{1T 27.4}[24]
§50
Even after I had entered the building, a fear came over me, and a sense of shame that I must humble myself before these people. But I seemed compelled to move forward, and was slowly making my way around the pillar in order to face the lamb, when a trumpet sounded, the temple shook, shouts of triumph arose from the assembled saints, an awful brightness illuminated the building, then all was intense darkness. The happy people had all disappeared with the brightness, and I was left alone in the silent horror of night. I awoke in agony of mind and could hardly convince myself that I had been dreaming. It seemed to me that my doom was fixed, that the Spirit of the Lord had left me, never to return.{1T 27.4}[24]
§51
不久以后，我又得了一个梦。我好像是处在一种沮丧而绝望的情况之下，双手掩面，在反复地这样思想着；如果耶稣在地上的话，我就要往祂那里去，伏在祂脚前，将我的一切痛苦都告诉祂。祂决不致离弃我；祂必定要怜恤我，我也要永远爱祂，事奉祂。正在这时门忽然开了，有一个身材魁梧容貌俊美的人走进来。他用怜恤的目光望着我，对我说：“你愿意见耶稣么？祂就在这里，如果你愿意，你就可以见到祂。带着你一切所有的来跟我去。” {1T 28.1}[25]
§52
Soon after this I had another dream. I seemed to be sitting in abject despair with my face in my hands, reflecting like this: If Jesus were upon earth, I would go to Him, throw myself at His feet, and tell Him all my sufferings. He would not turn away from me, He would have mercy upon me, and I would love and serve Him always. Just then the door opened, and a person of beautiful form and countenance entered. He looked upon me pitifully and said: Do you wish to see Jesus? He is here, and you can see Him if you desire it. Take everything you possess and follow me.{1T 28.1}[25]
§53
我听了这话，心里有说不出的快乐，于是就欢欢喜喜地收集我所有的一点东西，和每一件宝贝的小饰物，跟随我的向导走去。他领我到一个显然不很坚固而险峻的阶梯。当我走上阶梯时，他警告我要目不转睛地一直向上看，否则就会感到晕眩而跌下去。曾有许多人攀登这个险峻的阶梯，结果还没有爬到顶上就摔下去了。{1T 28.2}[26]
§54
I heard this with unspeakable joy, and gladly gathered up all my little possessions, every treasured trinket, and followed my guide. He led me to a steep and apparently frail stairway. As I commenced to ascend the steps, he cautioned me to keep my eyes fixed upward, lest I should grow dizzy and fall. Many others who were climbing the steep ascent fell before gaining the top.{1T 28.2}[26]
§55
我们终于走到最后一级，站在一个门前了。我的向导就指示我将所带来的东西留在那里。我欣然地把这一切放下，他便将门打开命我进去。一会儿我就站在耶稣面前了。祂那佳美的面容，我是绝不会认错的；因为祂所显出的仁爱和威荣，决非他人所有。当祂定睛望着我的时候，我立刻就知道祂是熟悉我一切生活境况、洞悉我内心一切思想和感觉的。{1T 28.3}[27]
§56
Finally we reached the last step, and stood before a door. Here my guide directed me to leave all the things that I had brought with me. I cheerfully laid them down; he then opened the door and bade me enter. In a moment I stood before Jesus. There was no mistaking that beautiful countenance. That expression of benevolence and majesty could belong to no other. As His gaze rested upon me, I knew at once that He was acquainted with every circumstance of my life and all my inner thoughts and feelings.{1T 28.3}[27]
§57
我设法要躲避祂的目光，因我觉得受不住祂那洞察人心的凝视；但祂却带着微笑走近我，按手在我头上说：“不要怕。”祂那温和的声音振奋了我的心，使我得着一种从未体验过的快乐。我真是太高兴了，甚至一句话也说不出来，只是被强烈的情绪所胜，就仆倒在祂脚前。当我伏在地上软弱无力的时候，有许多华美荣耀的景象从我面前经过，我似乎已经到了天国稳妥平安之境。终于我的气力恢复了，我便站起来。耶稣那充满怜爱的眼睛仍然望着我，祂的微笑使我的心灵充满了快乐。祂的临格激起了我圣洁的敬畏和说不出的爱慕。{1T 28.4}[28]
§58
I tried to shield myself from His gaze, feeling unable to endure His searching eyes, but He drew near with a smile, and, laying His hand upon my head, said: Fear not. The sound of His sweet voice thrilled my heart with a happiness it had never before experienced. I was too joyful to utter a word, but, overcome with emotion, sank prostrate at His feet. While I was lying helpless there, scenes of beauty and glory passed before me, and I seemed to have reached the safety and peace of heaven. At length my strength returned, and I arose. The loving eyes of Jesus were still upon me, and His smile filled my soul with gladness. His presence filled me with a holy reverence and an inexpressible love.{1T 28.4}[28]
§59
这时我的向导就把门打开，我们便走出门外。他叫我从新拿起我先前留在门外的东西。然后他又递给我一条盘得紧紧的绿绳子。他指示我将这条绳子放在靠近胸口的地方，何时我想要见耶稣，就可从胸前拿出这条绳子来尽量伸直。他警告我不可让那绳子盘结太久，以免成了死结，不容易再拉直。于是我将这条绳子放在我的胸口，满心愉快地走下那狭窄的阶梯，一面赞美主，一面告诉我所遇见的众人他们在什么地方可以寻见耶稣。这梦使我有了希望。在我看来，那绿色的绳子就代表信心，如此信赖上帝的美妙和单纯就如同曙光一样渐渐向我的心灵启明了。{1T 29.1}[29]
§60
My guide now opened the door, and we both passed out. He bade me take up again all the things I had left without. This done, he handed me a green cord coiled up closely. This he directed me to place next my heart, and when I wished to see Jesus, take it from my bosom and stretch it to the utmost. He cautioned me not to let it remain coiled for any length of time, lest it should become knotted and difficult to straighten. I placed the cord near my heart and joyfully descended the narrow stairs, praising the Lord and telling all whom I met where they could find Jesus. This dream gave me hope. The green cord represented faith to my mind, and the beauty and simplicity of trusting in God began to dawn upon my soul.{1T 29.1}[29]
§61
此时我将所有的忧愁和困恼都告诉了我的母亲。她很亲切地同情我鼓励我，并劝我去请教斯托克曼长老；那时他正在波特兰传扬基督复临的要道。我对他非常信任，因为他是基督的忠仆。他听了我的经历之后，便很亲切地按手在我头上，含着满眶的眼泪对我说：“爱伦，你现在不过是一个小孩子。一个人在你这样幼小的年龄能有这样的经验，真是少有的。耶稣一定是在预备你为祂作一番特别的工作。” {1T 29.2}[30]
§62
I now confided all my sorrows and perplexities to my mother. She tenderly sympathized with and encouraged me, advising me to go for counsel to Elder Stockman, who then preached the advent doctrine in Portland. I had great confidence in him, for he was a devoted servant of Christ. Upon hearing my story, he placed his hand affectionately upon my head, saying with tears in his eyes: Ellen, you are only a child. Yours is a most singular experience for one of your tender age. Jesus must be preparing you for some special work.{1T 29.2}[30]
§63
随后他又告诉我，即使我是一个成年人，并且如此被疑惑和绝望所困，他也能告诉我，他确知我藉着耶稣的爱还是有希望的。我心中所受到的痛苦就是一个明确的凭据，证明主的灵是在与我相争。他说当罪人在罪中顽梗不化的时候，他就看不出自己罪恶的沉重，反要自庆自慰，以为自己做得还不错，也不致遭遇到什么危险。主的灵便要离开他，他就会变成疏忽，冷淡，或胆大妄为。这位善人也告诉我关于上帝对祂犯罪的子女所怀的慈爱；祂不但不欢喜看到他们灭亡，反而极愿吸引他们凭着单纯的信心和依靠来归向祂，他又强调基督伟大的爱和救赎的计划。{1T 29.3}[31]
§64
He then told me that even if I were a person of mature years and thus harassed by doubt and despair, he should tell me that he knew there was hope for me through the love of Jesus. The very agony of mind I had suffered was positive evidence that the Spirit of the Lord was striving with me. He said that when the sinner becomes hardened in guilt, he does not realize the enormity of his transgression, but flatters himself that he is about right and in no particular danger. The Spirit of the Lord leaves him, and he becomes careless and indifferent or recklessly defiant. This good man told me of the love of God for His erring children, that instead of rejoicing in their destruction, He longed to draw them to Himself in simple faith and trust. He dwelt upon the great love of Christ and the plan of redemption.{1T 29.3}[31]
§65
斯托克曼长老提到我童年不幸的遭遇，并说那确是很惨痛的经验，但他劝我相信慈爱天父的手并没有从我身上收回；等到来生，当那笼罩在我心上的云雾消散的时候，我就会明白这似乎非常残酷而玄妙莫测的经验，乃是天意的智慧。耶稣对祂的门徒说：“我所作的，你如今不知道，后来必明白”(约13:7)。在那伟大的将来，我们再不对着镜子观看模糊不清，却要面对面地看明神圣之爱的奥秘了。{1T 30.1}[32]
§66
He spoke of my early misfortune and said it was indeed a grievous affliction, but he bade me believe that the hand of a loving Father had not been withdrawn from me; that in the future life, when the mist that then darkened my mind had vanished, I would discern the wisdom of the providence which had seemed so cruel and mysterious. Jesus said to His disciples: What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter. In the great future we should no longer see as through a glass darkly, but come face to face with the mysteries of divine love.{1T 30.1}[32]
§67
他对我说：“爱伦，你只管放心吧！你可以回家去，全心信靠耶稣，因为祂对于一切真心寻求祂的人，决不会扣留祂的爱。”随后他就为我恳切地祷告，看来即或我卑微的请求不蒙垂听，而这位圣徒的祈祷总是会蒙上帝应允的。我与他分离之时，满心安慰，大得鼓励。{1T 30.2}[33]
§68
Go free, Ellen, said he; return to your home trusting in Jesus, for He will not withhold His love from any true seeker. He then prayed earnestly for me, and it seemed that God would certainly regard the prayer of His saint, even if my humble petitions were unheard. I left his presence comforted and encouraged.{1T 30.2}[33]
§69
在我与斯托克曼长老谈话的短短几分钟内，我对于上帝的大爱和温慈的怜悯所得到的认识，比我已往从一切讲道与劝勉之中所领受的还多。我回家之后，再到主面前许愿：只要有耶稣的笑容鼓舞我的心，我就愿意从事并忍受祂所要我做的任何事。那从前烦扰我心的义务又在我面前出现了，——就是要我在上帝百姓的会中背起我的十字架。机会很快就来到了；当天晚上有一次祈祷聚会，我便前往参加。{1T 30.3}[34]
§70
During the few minutes in which I received instruction from Elder Stockman, I had obtained more knowledge on the subject of Gods love and pitying tenderness than from all the sermons and exhortations to which I had ever listened. I returned home and again went before the Lord, promising to do and suffer anything He might require of me, if only the smiles of Jesus might cheer my heart. The same duty was presented to me that had troubled my mind before--to take up my cross among the assembled people of God. An opportunity was not long wanting; there was a prayer meeting that evening, which I attended.{1T 30.3}[34]
§71
当别人都跪下祈祷的时候，我也和他们一同跪下，全身发颤，及至几个人祷告过了，我也不知不觉地发出祷告的声音。那时上帝的应许向我显明，好像许多宝贵的珍珠，只要求就可以得着。当我祷告的时候，我忍受已久的心灵上痛苦的重担都离开了，主的福惠便像甘露降在我身上。我从心灵的深处赞美上帝。除了耶稣和祂的荣耀，各样事物似乎都与我隔绝，于是我便对四围所发生的事完全失去知觉了。{1T 31.1}[35]
§72
I bowed trembling during the prayers that were offered. After a few had prayed, I lifted up my voice in prayer before I was aware of it. The promises of God appeared to me like so many precious pearls that were to be received only for the asking. As I prayed, the burden and agony of soul that I had so long endured left me, and the blessing of the Lord descended upon me like the gentle dew. I praised God from the depths of my heart. Everything seemed shut out from me but Jesus and His glory, and I lost consciousness of what was passing around me.{1T 31.1}[35]
§73
上帝的灵大有能力地降在我身上，以致那天晚上我不能回到家里去。等我第二天回家的时候，我的心里已经起了很大的改变。在我看来，我再不是前一天晚上从我父亲家里出来的那个人了。我思想中常记念着这节经文：“耶和华是我的牧者，我必不至缺乏”(诗23:1)。当我轻轻地反复背诵这两句话时，我的内心充满了喜乐。{1T 31.2}[36]
§74
The Spirit of God rested upon me with such power that I was unable to go home that night. When I did return, on the following day, a great change had taken place in my mind. It seemed to me that I could hardly be the same person that left my fathers house the previous evening. This passage was continually in my thoughts: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. My heart was full of happiness as I softly repeated these words.{1T 31.2}[36]
§75
我对于天父的观念也与过去不同了。我现在看祂是一位仁慈温和的父，而不再是一个强迫人盲目服从的严厉暴君了。我的心以深切而热烈的爱向往于祂。我以顺从祂的旨意为乐；并以为祂服务而感到荣幸。再没有阴云使那向我显示上帝完美旨意的亮光晦黯不明。我确知在我心中有救主居住，并且体会到基督所曾经说过的真理：“跟从我的，就不在黑暗里走，必要得着生命的光”(约8:12)。{1T 31.3}[37]
§76
My views of the Father were changed. I now looked upon Him as a kind and tender parent, rather than a stern tyrant compelling men to a blind obedience. My heart went out toward Him in a deep and fervent love. Obedience to His will seemed a joy; it was a pleasure to be in His service. No shadow clouded the light that revealed to me the perfect will of God. I felt the assurance of an indwelling Saviour, and realized the truth of what Christ had said: He that followeth Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.{1T 31.3}[37]
§77
我现在的平安和快乐，与我先前的忧郁和痛苦，成了显著的对比，甚至令我感觉自己好像是从地狱里拯救出来而被送到了天国一样。我甚至为那折磨我一生的不幸遭遇，也能赞美上帝，因为这件事竟成了使我思想专注于永生的媒介。若不是这场严重的苦难使我隔绝了世俗的成功和虚荣，我那本性的骄傲与野心可能会使我不肯将心献给耶稣。{1T 31.4}[38]
§78
My peace and happiness was in such marked contrast with my former gloom and anguish that it seemed to me as if I had been rescued from hell and transported to heaven. I could even praise God for the misfortune that had been the trial of my life, for it had been the means of fixing my thoughts upon eternity. Naturally proud and ambitious, I might not have been inclined to give my heart to Jesus had it not been for the sore affliction that had cut me off, in a manner, from the triumphs and vanities of the world.{1T 31.4}[38]
§79
半年之久我的心灵没有一点暗影，我也没有忽略一项我所当尽的本分。我献上全部的精力来实现上帝的旨意，并且不断地思念耶稣和天国。基督的救赎和祂的工作这时极清晰地向我显明，使我不胜惊讶，大为喜乐。我不必再多解释我当时的思想情况了；总之，旧事已过，一切都变成新的了。再没有什么阴影可以损坏我美满的福乐。我渴望述说耶稣仁爱的故事，但我却不想与任何人作凡俗的交谈。我心里充满了对上帝的爱和那出人意外的平安，因此我很喜欢默想和祈祷。{1T 32.1}[39]
§80
For six months not a shadow clouded my mind, nor did I neglect one known duty. My whole endeavor was to do the will of God and keep Jesus and heaven continually in mind. I was surprised and enraptured with the clear views now presented to me of the atonement and the work of Christ. I will not attempt to further explain the exercises of my mind; suffice it to say that old things had passed away, all things had become new. There was not a cloud to mar my perfect bliss. I longed to tell the story of Jesus love, but felt no disposition to engage in common conversation with anyone. My heart was so filled with love to God and the peace that passeth understanding that I loved to meditate and to pray.{1T 32.1}[39]
§81
在我领受了这么大的福惠之后的第二晚，我去参加了一次复临运动的聚会。当时机来到让基督徒为主作见证时，我再也不能保持缄默，便站了起来述说我的经验。当时我并没有想到我应该讲什么话；但耶稣对我的爱这单纯的故事竟从我口中滔滔而出，我的心也脱离了黑暗与失望的捆绑而感到非常地快乐，甚至对于周围的听众竟毫无所觉，似乎是单独和上帝同在。除了因感恩的泪而话语间断以外，我毫无困难地述说耶稣对我所显示的奇妙的爱，表达了我心中的平安与喜乐。{1T 32.2}[40]
§82
The night after receiving so great a blessing, I attended the advent meeting. When the time came for the followers of Christ to speak in His favor, I could not remain silent, but rose and related my experience. Not a thought had entered my mind of what I should say; but the simple story of Jesus love to me fell from my lips with perfect freedom, and my heart was so happy to be liberated from its bondage of dark despair that I lost sight of the people about me and seemed to be alone with God. I found no difficulty in expressing my peace and happiness, except for the tears of gratitude that choked my utterance as I told of the wondrous love that Jesus had shown for me.{1T 32.2}[40]
§83
斯托克曼长老当时也在场。他最近曾见过我陷于极度的绝望之中，既见我的束缚已被解除，他便大受感动，潸然泪下，和我一同快乐，并为这显明上帝怜悯与慈爱的凭据而赞美祂。{1T 32.3}[41]
§84
Elder Stockman was present. He had recently seen me in deep despair, and the remarkable change in my appearance and feelings touched his heart; he wept aloud, rejoicing with me and praising God for this proof of His tender mercy and loving-kindness. {1T 32.3}[41]
§85
在我领受了这次的大福惠之后不久，我参赴了在基督徒会堂召开的一次联合聚会。布朗长老是该堂的主任。我被邀请讲述我的经验；我不但觉得讲话时非常自由，同时也因讲说耶稣爱我的简单故事并因得蒙上帝的悦纳而感到快乐。当我以驯服的心怀和满眶的热泪讲话时，我的心灵似乎因感谢而被提往天上。有上帝融化人心的能力降在聚会的众人身上。许多人感动得流泪不止，其他的人则开口赞美上帝。{1T 33.1}[42]
§86
Not long after receiving this great blessing, I attended a conference meeting at the Christian church, where Elder Brown was pastor. I was invited to relate my experience, and I felt not only great freedom of expression, but happiness, in telling my simple story of the love of Jesus and the joy of being accepted of God. As I spoke, with subdued heart and tearful eyes, my soul seemed drawn toward heaven in thanksgiving. The melting power of the Lord came upon the assembled people. Many were weeping and others praising God.{1T 33.1}[42]
§87
当呼召罪人起立为之代祷时，许多人便应声而起。我的心非常地感谢上帝所赐给我的福气，因此我切望别人也可以与我分享这圣洁的福乐。我极其关心那些因罪孽的重担并感觉上帝的不悦而精神痛苦的人。当我叙述自己的经验时，我感到没有人能抗拒那使我有了奇妙改变的上帝赦罪之爱的确实凭据。真正悔改的实情在我看来是非常简明，所以我极愿帮助我的青年朋友们进入光明，于是就利用每一个机会尽力成全此事。{1T 33.2}[43]
§88
Sinners were invited to arise for prayers, and many responded to the call. My heart was so thankful to God for the blessing He had given me that I longed to have others participate in this sacred joy. My mind was deeply interested for those who might be suffering under a sense of the Lords displeasure and the burden of sin. While relating my experience, I felt that no one could resist the evidence of Gods pardoning love that had wrought so wonderful a change in me. The reality of true conversion seemed so plain to me that I felt like helping my young friends into the light, and at every opportunity exerted my influence toward this end.{1T 33.2}[43]
§89
我与一些青年朋友们安排了聚会，他们中间有一些人年龄比我还大，也有少数是已经结了婚的。中间也有不少是爱慕虚荣而漫不经心的；我的经验在他们听来好像是没有意义的闲谈，所以他们没有听我的恳劝。但我定意非到他们悔改信服上帝决不停止我的努力，因为我对这些可爱的生灵非常关切。我用了几个整夜的功夫，为那些我所寻找而聚集为他们工作，并与他们一同祈祷的人恳切地祷告。{1T 33.3}[44]
§90
I arranged meetings with my young friends, some of whom were considerably older than myself, and a few were married persons. A number of them were vain and thoughtless; my experience sounded to them like an idle tale, and they did not heed my entreaties. But I determined that my efforts should never cease till these dear souls, for whom I had so great an interest, yielded to God. Several entire nights were spent by me in earnest prayer for those whom I had sought out and brought together for the purpose of laboring and praying with them.{1T 33.3}[44]
§91
在他们中间有一些人是因为好奇而来，想要听我究竟讲些什么事；还有一些人认为我这样坚持不断地努力，也许是精神错乱了，因为他们对于自己得救的问题，显然并不介意。但是在我们每一次人数很少的聚会中，我都恒切而分别地劝戒每一个人，并为他们祷告，直到每一个人都归服耶稣，并承认祂赦罪之爱的功劳为止。最后每一个人都悔改归向了上帝。{1T 33.4}[45]
§92
Some of these had met with us from curiosity to hear what I had to say; others thought me beside myself to be so persistent in my efforts, especially when they manifested no concern on their own part. But at every one of our little meetings I continued to exhort and pray for each one separately, until every one had yielded to Jesus, acknowledging the merits of His pardoning love. Every one was converted to God.{1T 33.4}[45]
§93
我夜夜在梦中都好像是在为救人而操劳。在这样的时间之内，我念及几个人的特别情形；后来就去找到这些人，和他们一同祷告。结果除了一个之外，这些人都献身归主了。有一些较为注重形式的弟兄怕我在救人的事上太热心了；但我却以为时间太短促，所以凡具有永生洪福之望并仰望基督早日复临的人，都应当不断地努力，为那些仍然留在罪中而濒临可怕之灭亡边缘的人作工。{1T 34.1}[46]
§94
Night after night in my dreams I seemed to be laboring for the salvation of souls. At such times special cases were presented to my mind; these I afterward sought out and prayed with. In every instance but one these persons yielded themselves to the Lord. Some of our more formal brethren feared that I was too zealous for the conversion of souls, but time seemed to me so short that it behooved all who had a hope of a blessed immortality and looked for the soon coming of Christ, to labor without ceasing for those who were still in their sins and standing on the awful brink of ruin.{1T 34.1}[46]
§95
我虽然年纪很轻，但救恩的计划已经非常清楚地向我显明，并且我亲身的经验又是如此显著，因此在我考虑之后，就认明自己有继续努力拯救宝贵生灵的义务，并利用每一个机会来祷告并承认基督。我已全然地献身为主服务。我决定无论如何一定要求得蒙上帝的喜悦，并使我的生活表明我是在盼望救主复临来赏赐忠心的人。我觉得自己来到上帝面前，就如同小孩子来到父亲面前，问祂要我作什么事。及至所应尽的本分向我显明时，我就欣然以赴。有时我遇到了一些特别的考验。一般比我年龄较长经验较多的人，总想拦阻我并冷却我信心的火焰；但既有耶稣的笑容常使我的生活充满光明，又有上帝的爱在我心里，我就本着愉快的精神勇往直前了。{1T 34.2}[47]
§96
Though I was very young, the plan of salvation was so clear to my mind, and my personal experience had been so marked, that, upon considering the matter, I knew it was my duty to continue my efforts for the salvation of precious souls and to pray and confess Christ at every opportunity. My entire being was offered to the service of my Master. Let come what would, I determined to please God, and live as one who expected the Saviour to come and reward the faithful. I felt like a little child coming to God as to my father, and asking Him what He would have me to do. Then as my duty was made plain to me, it was my greatest happiness to perform it. Peculiar trials sometimes beset me. Those older in experience than myself endeavored to hold me back and cool the ardor of my faith; but with the smiles of Jesus brightening my life, and the love of God in my heart, I went on my way with a joyful spirit.{1T 34.2}[47]
§97
每当我回忆早年的生活经验时，总会充满温馨地想起我的哥哥，他在我的基督徒经验中热心同情我，是我种种盼望与担心的知己。他是少受罪恶试探的人之一。他生性虔诚，从不寻求年轻人的交际，而是选择与其言行会在人生道路上指教他的基督徒作伴。他举止严肃，超过了他的年龄；他文雅和平，他的心几乎总是充满了虔诚的思想。他的生活被那些认识他的人指为年经人的典范，真基督教之优雅与荣美的活榜样。{1T 34.3}[48]
§98
As often as I recall the experience of my early life, my brother, the confidant of my hopes and fears, the earnest sympathizer with me in my Christian experience, comes to my mind with a flood of tender memories. He was one of those to whom sin presents but few temptations. Naturally devotional, he never sought the society of the young and gay, but chose rather the company of Christians whose conversation would instruct him in the way of life. His manner was serious beyond his years; he was gentle and peaceful, and his mind was almost constantly filled with religious thoughts. His life was pointed to, by those who knew him, as a pattern to the youth, a living example of the grace and beauty of true Christianity. {1T 34.3}[48]