第03章 失望的感觉
§1
第03章 失望的感觉
§2
Chap. 3—Feelings of Despair
§3
1842年，我经常参加波特兰的复临聚会，完全相信主就要来了。我渴望内心的圣洁；日思夜想如何才能获得这个全世界的财富都买不来的宝贝。而当我俯伏在主面前，祈求这个福气时，在祷告聚会上祷告的义务就呈现在我面前。我从未出声祷告过，也没有谦卑到能这么做，担心我要是尝试出声祷告，就会变得糊涂，被迫停止，否则我的祷告就会支离破碎。每一次我到主面前私祷时，这个无法履行的义务就出现，直到我停止了祷告，因为我在这种心态祷告就象在愚弄上帝似的。我陷于忧郁之中，越来越绝望了。{2SG 15.1}[1]
§4
In 1842 I constantly attended the Second Advent meetings in Portland, and fully believed the Lord was coming. I was hungering and thirsting for holiness of heart; day and night it was my study how to obtain this treasure that all the riches of the world could not purchase. And while bowed before the Lord, praying for this blessing, the duty to pray in a prayer-meeting was presented before me. I had never prayed vocally, and was not humble enough to do this, fearing that if I should attempt to pray, I should become confused and be obliged to stop, or my prayer be very broken. Every time I went before the Lord in secret prayer this unfulfilled duty presented itself, until I ceased to pray, for in this?state of mind my prayers seemed like mocking God. I settled down in a melancholy state which increased to deep despair.?{2SG 15.1}[1]
§5
我陷于这种心态三周之久，没有一线亮光穿透我周围黑暗的密云。我的痛苦很大。那时我看基督徒的盼望是多么宝贵啊。而罪人在世上没有上帝没有指望的状况是多以可怜啊。我几乎整夜俯伏在主面前，呻吟叹息着，而我有信心说出的话只是：“主啊，怜悯我。”这种完全没有希望的感觉会控制着我，使我面伏于地，痛苦得无法形容。我象那个可怜的税吏一样，连举目望天也不敢。我的身体变得非常消瘦。我的朋友们看我象一个因患肺病而衰弱的人。最后，我得了一个梦，使我在绝望里陷得更深了。{2SG 16.1}[2]
§6
In this state of mind I remained three weeks, with not one ray of light to pierce the thick clouds of darkness around me. My sufferings were very great. How precious did the hope of the christian look to me then. And how wretched the state of the sinner without God or hope in the world. I remained bowed before the Lord nearly all night, groaning, and all I had any confidence to utter was, “Lord, have mercy.” Such utter hopelessness would seize me that I would fall upon my face with such agony of feelings as cannot be described. Like the poor publican, I dared not so much as lift my eyes toward heaven. I became much reduced in flesh. My friends looked upon me as one sinking in a decline. At length a dream was given me which sunk me still lower in despair, if possible.?{2SG 16.1}[2]
§7
我在梦中看见一个殿，见有许多人涌进殿去。时日终结时，惟有在殿里避难的人才能得救；凡留外面的人都会永远灭亡。我观望进殿的人时，看见许多人嘲笑他们，说这全是骗局。他们甚至拉住一些急于进去的人，竭力阻止他们。{2SG 16.2}[3]
§8
I dreamed that there was a temple to which many people were flocking, and all who would be saved when time should close must be within that temple. And all who were outside the temple would be lost. As I looked upon the people going to the temple, I saw the multitude laughing at and deriding them, telling them that it was all a deception. They even caught hold of some who were hastening to the temple and tried to hold them.?{2SG 16.2}[3]
§9
我恐怕受到嘲笑，心想最好等众人都散开了，或是在他们看不见的时候，我才进殿去。我怕错过机会。但人数不但未见减少，反而越来越多。于是我赶紧离家，挤过人群。我走得匆促，没有理会人群。我怕为时太晚。进去之后，眼前的景象触目惊心！这个殿只有一根巨大的柱子支撑着。柱子上缚着一个遍体受伤流血的羔羊。我们在场的人好像都知道这羔羊是为我们的缘故而被撕裂压伤的。在羔羊的面前有一排高的座位，上面坐着一群面呈欢容的人。凡进入殿内的人都必须到羔羊面前来承认自己的罪，然后坐到高座位快乐的人群中间去。就在我进入殿内之后，我不由得惧怕起来，并感觉得羞愧，因为大家都看着我。我慢慢地绕着柱子而行，以便面向那羔羊，这时有号角吹响，全殿震动，聚集在那里的圣徒都发出胜利的呐喊，有一道眩目的亮光照耀殿宇，随即又变成完全黑暗，可怕的黑暗。快乐的会众不见了，只留下我一个人在完全的黑暗之中。我心中的恐惧无法形容。我醒来以后，过了许久才相信这不是真实的。在我看来，我的厄运已定，我已轻视了怜悯，且使主的灵担忧离开我，永远不再回来了。{2SG 17.1}[4]
§10
I was afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed, and thought I would wait until the multitude were dispersed, or until I could go in some way that they would not know where I was going. My mind was troubled lest I should be too late, and the multitude was increasing instead of lessening. I hastily left my home and pressed through the crowd. I was in such haste that I did not notice the throng. I feared I was too late. I entered the building, and what a sight met my eyes! The temple was supported by one immense pillar, and to this pillar was a lamb tied, all mangled and bleeding. I thought that we all knew that it was our sins that caused this lamb to be thus torn and bruised. Just before this lamb were seats elevated above the level of the floor, and a company of people were sitting there looking very happy. All who entered the temple must come before the lamb and confess their sins, and then take their place among the happy throng who occupied the elevated seats. Even while in the building a fear came over me and shame to have them all looking upon me. I was slowly making my way around the pillar to face the lamb, when the trumpet sounded, and the building shook, and shouts of triumph went up from the saints in that building. The temple seemed to shine with awful brightness, and then all was dark, terrible dark. Those who had seemed so happy were gone, and I?left alone in the place in complete darkness. The horror of my mind could not be described. I awoke, and it was some time before I could convince myself it was not a reality. Surely, thought I, my doom is fixed, I have slighted mercy, and grieved the Spirit of the Lord away, never more to return.?{2SG 17.1}[4]
§11
不久以后，我又得了一个梦。我好像坐在深深的绝望之中，双手掩面，在反复地这样思想着；如果耶稣在地上的话，我就要往祂那里去，伏在祂脚前，将我的一切痛苦都告诉祂。祂若怜恤我，我就要永远爱祂——祂必不离弃我。不久门开了，有一个英姿飒爽容貌俊美的人走进来。他用怜恤的目光望着我，对我说：“你愿意见耶稣么？祂就在这里，如果你愿意，你就可以见到祂。带着你一切所有的来跟我去。”{2SG 18.1}[5]
§12
In a short time I had another dream. I thought I was sitting in deep despair, with my face covered with my hands, with reflections like these: If Jesus were upon earth, I would go to him, and throw myself at his feet, and tell him all my sufferings. And if he would have mercy upon me, I would love him always—he would not turn me away. Soon the door opened, and a person of beautiful form and countenance entered. He looked upon me with pity. Said he, “Do you wish to see Jesus? He is in the place, and you can see him. Take everything that you possess and follow me.”?{2SG 18.1}[5]
§13
于是就欢欢喜喜地收集我所有的一点东西，和每一件宝贝的小饰物，跟随那向我报告好消息的人。他领我到一个显然不坚固而且险峻的阶梯。当我走上阶梯时，他警告我要目不转睛地一直向上看，否则就会感到晕眩而跌下去。曾有许多人攀登这个险峻的阶梯，结果有些人还没有爬到顶上就摔下去了。我终于爬到了梯顶。我的向导就指示我将所带来的东西留在门口。我欣然把这一切放下，他便将门打开命我进去。我进去以后看见了耶稣。祂是这么美丽可爱。脸上显出仁爱和威荣。我设法要躲避祂那洞察人心的凝视。我知道祂了解我的心和一切生活详情。我设法不看祂的脸，祂却仍看着我。我躲不开祂的眼光。祂带着微笑走近我，按手在我头上说：“不要怕。”祂那甜美的声音使我得着一种从未体验过的快乐。我真是太高兴了，一句话也说不出来，就仆倒在祂脚前。当我伏在地上软弱无力的时候，有许多华美荣耀的景象从我面前经过，我似乎已经得救到了天国。终于我的气力恢复了，我便站起来。耶稣那充满怜爱的眼睛仍然望着我。祂对我微笑。祂的临格使我充满无法承受的圣洁敬畏。我的向导把门打开让我出去，重新拿起我先前留在门外的东西。然后他又递给我一条盘得紧紧的绿绳子。他指示我将这条绳子放在靠近胸口的地方，何时我想要见耶稣，就可从胸前拿出这条绳子来尽量伸直。他警告我不可让那绳子盘结太久，以免成了死结，不容易再拉直。于是我将这条绳子放在我的胸口，满心愉快地走下那狭窄的阶梯，一面赞美主，一面告诉我所遇见的众人他们在什么地方可以寻见耶稣。然后我就醒了。{2SG 18.2}[6]
§14
Gladly did I gather up everything, every treasured trinket, and followed him who had given me the pleasing information. He led me to a steep, and it looked like a frail stairway. As I commenced to ascend the stairs, he gave me a word of caution, to keep my eyes fixed upwards, for if I looked down I should become dizzy and fall. Many seemed to be climbing up this steep stairway, and some fell before reaching the top. I succeeded in climbing to the top. Then my guide bid me lay?everything at the door. Cheerfully I laid down all I possessed. He then opened the door and told me to go in. As I entered I saw Jesus, so lovely and beautiful. His countenance expressed benevolence and majesty. I tried to shield myself from his piercing gaze. I thought he knew my heart, and every circumstance of my life. I tried not to look upon his face, but still his eyes were upon me. I could not escape his gaze. He then, with a smile, drew near me, and laid his hand upon my head, saying, “Fear not.” The sound of his sweet voice, caused me to feel a thrill of happiness I never before experienced. I was too full of joy to utter a word. I grew weak, and fell prostrate at his feet. And while lying helpless, scenes of glory and beauty passed before me. I thought I was saved in heaven. At length my strength returned. I arose upon my feet. The loving eyes of Jesus were fixed upon me still, and he smiled upon me. His presence filled me with such holy awe that I could not endure it. My guide opened the door and I passed out. Then all things I had left at the door he handed me again. And he also handed me a green cord, coiled up, and he bid me wear it next my heart, and when I wished to see Jesus, to stretch this cord. I must not let it lie still any length of time; for if I should, it would become knotted and difficult to straighten. I placed the cord?near my heart, and joyfully went down the narrow stairway, praising the Lord as I went, and telling all I met where they could find Jesus. I then awoke.?{2SG 18.2}[6]
§15
这个梦使我在失望中有了微弱的信心。绿色的绳子就代表信心。我向母亲敞露心扉。她劝我去请教斯托克曼弟兄；那时他正在波特兰对复临信徒传道。我对他非常信任，因为他是基督的忠仆，蒙祂所爱。他的话感动了我，给我带来了希望。我回家之后，再次到主面前许愿：只要有耶稣的笑容鼓舞我的心，我就愿意从事并忍受祂所要我做的任何事。以前的哪个义务又在我面前出现了。当晚有一次祈祷聚会，我便前往参加。当别人都跪下祈祷的时候，我也和他们一同跪下，全身发颤，及至二三个人祷告过了，我也不知不觉地发出祷告的声音。那时上帝的应许向我显明，好像许多宝贵的珍珠，只要求就可以得着。当我祷告的时候，我忍受已久的心灵上痛苦的重担都离开了，主的福惠便像甘露降在我身上。我就为自己的感受而荣耀上帝。除了耶稣和祂的荣耀，各样事物似乎都与我隔绝，于是我便对四围所发生的事完全失去知觉了。{2SG 20.1}[7]
§16
This dream gave me a faint hope in my despair. That green cord represented faith. I then opened my mind to my mother. She advised me to go and see Bro. Stockman, who then preached to the Advent people in Portland. I had great confidence in him, for he was a devoted and beloved servant of Christ. His words affected me and led me to hope. I returned home, and again went before the Lord, and promised that I would do and suffer anything if I could have the smiles of Jesus. The same duty was presented. There was to be a prayer-meeting that evening which I attended, and when others knelt to pray, I bowed with them trembling, and after two or three had prayed, I opened my mouth in prayer before I was aware of it. And the promises of God looked to me like so many precious pearls that were to be received only by asking for them. As I prayed the burden and agony of soul that I had so long felt left me, and the blessing of God came upon me like the gentle dew, and I gave glory to God for what I felt. Everything was shut out from me but Jesus and glory, and I knew nothing of what was passing around me.?{2SG 20.1}[7]
§17
我处在这种状态很长时间，而当我认识到周围是什么时，每一件事物看起来都是光耀新鲜的，仿佛在笑着赞美上帝。于是我就乐于到处承认耶稣了，而且似乎是处在与上帝同在的环境中。我去了复临信徒礼拜的会堂，并在那里叙述了主为我做的事，流着感恩的泪宣扬了上帝奇妙的爱。斯托克曼弟兄当时也在场。他最近曾见过我陷于极度的绝望之中，既见我从苦境回转，他便大受感动，潸然泪下，和我一同快乐。我还在波特兰基督徒会堂叙述了我的经验。基督为救我脱离罪恶与死亡所做的牺牲看起来非常伟大。我一细想它就忍不住哭泣。我那时能为我的不幸而赞美上帝了。我生性是骄傲而有野心的，要是我没有遭遇苦难，恐怕我决不会把我的心献给主。有六个月之久，我心中没有掠过一丝乌云。{2SG 20.2}[8]
§18
I remained in this state a long time, and?when I realized what was around me, everything looked glorious and new, as if smiling and praising God. I was then willing to confess Jesus everywhere, and seemed to be shut in with God. I went to the hall where the Advent people worshiped, and there related what the Lord had done for me, and with tears of gratitude declared the wondrous love of God. Bro. Stockman was present. He had recently seen me in deep despair, and as he now saw my captivity turned, he wept aloud, and rejoiced with me. I also related my experience in the Christian meeting house in Portland. The sacrifice that Christ had made to save me from sin and death, looked very great. I could not dwell upon it without weeping. I could then praise God for my misfortune. I was naturally proud and ambitious, and fear that I never should have given my heart to the Lord if I had not been afflicted. For six months not a cloud of darkness passed over my mind.?{2SG 20.2}[8]