第154章 致O. A. 奥尔森
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第154章 致O. A. 奥尔森
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Chapter 157—To Brethren Who Shall Assemble in General Conference
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《信函》1894年第57号O-57-1894新南威尔士州，格兰维尔，威廉姆斯大街，1894年6月10日
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Williams St., Granville, N.S.W. June 10, 1894.
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亲爱的奥尔森弟兄：
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Dear Brother Olsen:—
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我很担心威利的情况。他工作太忙了。他得准备寄到美国和这个国家各个园地的通信；他得就外国的工作提出建议；他得就这里的重要举动拿出意见，夜里很晚了还在委员会开会；他不得不忽略他的写作，然后不得不坐着打字直到午夜，工作不断地催逼着他。现在，如果你有意保护他从事上帝的圣工，我就请求你给他提供一个人来帮助他。要是教会不能提供这样的人，我作为他的母亲，就必要求他断然改变工作方针。他需要减少许多工作，但他一点也不考虑自己。{1888 1256.1}
§8
I am much worried over Willie’s case. He has altogether too much to do. He has to prepare communications to go to America and to the various fields here in this country; he must give counsel in regard to the foreign work; he must give counsel in regard to important movements here, sitting in committee meetings late at night; he is forced to neglect his writing, and then must sit up till mid-night to run the type writer, the work constantly urging and pressing him. Now if you have a desire that he shall be preserved to the cause of God, I request you to furnish him a man to help him. If the cause cannot afford to do this, I shall, as his mother, demand of him to change his course of work decidedly. He needs far less to do, but he has no thought for himself. {1888 1256.1}
§9
他现在所处的状况使我决定发出警告。他的大脑已经充血。我想你是否更方便对他的工作表示欣赏，我知道这是他配得的，这不会高抬他，也一点不会造成伤害。他不让对任何人或任何事的抱怨之辞从自己口中露出来。他全心扑在工作上，但我知道他不能继续这样下去。我对这种事态非常痛心。他为了帮助他认为需要帮助的某个人会使自己处于极其难受的处境。{1888 1256.2}
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He is now in a condition which causes me decided alarm. He has congestion of the brain. I think if you had been more free to express some appreciation of his work, which I know he deserves, it would not have exalted him nor done the least harm. He does not let one word of complaint of any one or any thing fall from his lips. His whole soul is in the work, but I know that he cannot continue to do as he has done. I am greatly distressed over this state of things. He will put himself into the most disagreeable position in order to help some one who, he thinks, needs help. {1888 1256.2}
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当我看到你和充满自私、不献身、其行径不断受到上帝谴责的人结交时，就感到你处在自己会受影响的危险中，做出上帝不愿让你做的决定。{1888 1256.3}
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When I see you link up with men that are full of selfishness, unconsecrated, their course under the censure of God continually, I feel that you are in danger of being yourself affected, and making decisions that God would not have you make. {1888 1256.3}
§13
我不敢对威利说一句我所写给你的话。斯塔尔夫妇已经去昆士兰州开辟那块园地。斯塔尔弟兄期待陪同我们去非洲；但我不打算离开这个园地，直到我能更清晰地看见我的道路。威利没有什么时间帮助我在书籍方面的工作。有些日子他花一个小时听我朗读基督生平的内容，但我既然还一直不能写什么新的东西，在那方面也就不再有成就。各教会呼求帮助；有许多探访的工作要做，还有许多个人的证言要写。我不敢忽视这项工作，让男男女女处在欺骗之下，在我知道他们错了的时候，他们还以为自己是对的。要是意外临到他们，他们在自己的罪里丧命了，我就会觉得他们灵魂的血沾在我的衣服上。{1888 1256.4}
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I dare not utter a word to Willie of what I have written to you. Bro. Starr and his wife have gone to Queensland, to open that field. Bro. Starr expects to accompany us to Africa; but I do not propose to leave this field until I see my way more clearly. 1257Willie has had little time to help me on my book. For some days he took one hour to hear chapters read on the life of Christ, but as I have not yet been able to write anything new, there is no more to be done in that line. The churches call for help; there is much visiting to be done, and much personal testimony to be written. I feel afraid to neglect this work, and suffer men and women to be under a deception thinking themselves right when I know they are wrong. If accidents should come to them, and they be taken away in their sins, I should feel that the blood of their souls was upon my garments. {1888 1256.4}
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6月15日，我从上封邮件收到的信函和账目看到威利被削减了工资；要是他在美国与他的家人在一起，这就不会有什么矛盾之处；但你若访问澳大利亚和新西兰，就肯定会了解形势，就是限制资金给操心负责起领导作用的工人带来拮据，这在美国是不可能发生的。不断需要资金支持各方面的工作，而且我们必须在给需要钱的事业捐款上起带头作用。那些仍与自己的家人在一起并在我们的机构中任职的人若是削减了工资，会远比蒙召在我们正在其中操劳的这种园地中作工的人过得好。在这些贫穷的新园地操劳的人，必须有钱财才能带头，否则只好看着工作受阻，自己却无力缓解局势。我知道自己在说什么；因为我们许多年来一直在工作中作先锋。{1888 1257.1}
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June 15, I see by the letters and accounts received in the last mail that Willie is cut down in his wages; were he in America with his family, this would not be inconsistent; but your visit to Australia and New Zealand should certainly give you an understanding of the situation, that limited means brings embarrassment upon the leading, care-taking workers, which is very much above anything that is possible to exist in America. There are constant demands for means to sustain the work in its various branches, and it is necessary for us to lead out in donating to the enterprises that call for money. Those who remain with their own families and have a position in our institutions could get along far better with much less wages than are needed by those who are called to the work in such fields as we are now laboring in. Those who labor in these new and destitute fields must have means in order to lead out, or they must see the work blocked, and themselves helpless to relieve the situation. I know whereof I speak; for in much of our work we have been pioneers for many years. {1888 1257.1}
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我们中任何一个人在有压力的时期在这里都找不到一个人能奉献一英镑来救急。在墨尔本和悉尼库中已经空虚。我们在食品店还有两个月的账未结，自从我们到这个地方以后，一直在研究财务问题。你看不出威利的境况吗？他既供养在巴特尔克里克的家人，付房租和食宿费，又要支付这里的其它开支，这使他几乎没有余额可以用在他必须要用在的各方面工作上了。他不得不一直处在拮据的状况。还在美国的时候，他不得不抵押贷款才能买房，他现在还有房贷，必须得付利息。他所居于的领导位置使他必须在帮助各方面事业上作榜样。那么多对金钱的需要使他向我借了1200美元，我答应了。{1888 1257.2}
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There is not a soul to whom in time of pressure any one of us can look for one pound to relieve the situation. Both at Melbourne and at Sydney the treasury has been empty. We have had two months’s account unsettled at the grocer’s, and ever since we have been in this place we have been studying the financial problem. Can you not see how Willie is situated? After supporting a family in 1258Battle Creek, and paying his room rent and board, and meeting other expenses here he is left without a margin of means to use, as it is essential he should, in the various enterprises of the work. He cannot but be kept in perpetual embarrassment. While in America he had to hire money in order to purchase his home, and he still has a mortgage on it, on which he pays interest. The leading position he occupies makes it necessary that he shall set an example in aiding the various enterprises. The many demands for money led him to ask of me the loan of $1200.00, which I have granted. {1888 1257.2}
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此外，我已借了1200美元，且已保证无论什么时候需要我都要归还。我已经把这笔钱的每一块钱都用在工作中了，因为你看，这花掉我一年的工资都不够。你知道我去年的工资全数捐献了，用于买地建校舍。关于我的工资每周减少两美元的事，我什么都没说；这只会断绝一些机会，使我在看出圣工需要时无力投资，从而在这方面使我受到限制。但我希望你谨慎考虑工人们的情况，看清谁才是时常不得不把钱财用于圣工利益，在新园地开拓新工，不会因任何自私的考虑而踌躇不前的人。这种人不会变得自私，这确实是一种鼓励。无论境况如何，W.C.怀特都不会变得自私。然而我知道当他的双手被绑住，以致他不能随意付出时，这会使他感到多么拮据和羞辱。{1888 1258.1}
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Apart from this, the sum of $1200.00 has been loaned me, which I have given my pledged word that I will repay when ever it is called for. I have used every dollar of this money in the work, so you see this takes more than my year’s wages. You are aware that the entire amount of my last year’s wages was donated to purchase land upon which to erect the school building. I have not a word to say in reference to the cutting off of two dollars per week from my wages; it will only cut off some opportunities where I should invest in the cause as I should discern its needs, thus limiting me on this end of the line. But I wish that you would carefully consider the cases of the workers, and see who are the men that are constantly obliged to use means in the interests of the work, and in starting the work in new fields, and who will not hold back for any selfish considerations. It is an encouragement that such men will not become selfish. W.C.W. will not, whatever the circumstances. But I know how it mortifies and galls him when his hands are bound, so that he does not feel at liberty to give. {1888 1258.1}
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我初到格兰维尔时，不得不向休斯姐妹借了50美元，现在她需要那笔钱了，我却无力还给她，直到我自己能拿到一些钱。我们带着我们所有的一切从墨尔本搬到这里耗费了我们大笔开支。但威利要捐献，还要跑在后面，而我则不得不用我的钱帮他养家，因为他在有那么多别的开支需要应付时，是不可能有钱养家的。在美国我们可以靠比这里少的工资生活。应该让你了解这里的情况。我写给你这些是方便你叫董事会了解实情，因为，按你所处的职位，你有特权和职责这么做。{1888 1258.2}
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When I first came to Granville, I had to borrow $50.00 of Sr. Hughes, and now she wants the money, but I cannot furnish it for her until I can get possession of some money myself. It cost a large sum for us to move here from Melbourne, with all our belongings. But Willie will make donations, and run behind, and I 1259shall have to use my means to help support his family, for it is not possible for him to do it while having so many other expenses to meet. In America we could live on less wages than we need here. It is right you should know just how the matter stands. I write you this that you may enlighten your board as to the real situation, as, in your position, it is your privilege and duty to do. {1888 1258.2}
§23
我过几天会拿到钱，而我一有钱就要投入50美元到这个必须建在塞文希尔的小教堂。现在有20个人在守安息日，父母和孩子总共约有40人。拆了帐篷的时候，他们就没有适合举行礼拜的地方了。他们是极好的人，然而太穷了，做不了很多事；他们会竭尽所能，我们必须帮助他们。{1888 1259.1}
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As soon as I can get the money, and it should be in a few days, I shall invest fifty dollars in the little church which must be built at Seven Hills. Twenty are now keeping the Sabbath, parents and children together number about forty. When the tent is taken down, there is no place where they can meet for worship. They are excellent people, but too poor to do much; they will do their utmost, and we must help them. {1888 1259.1}
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我现在能看出主给我的那些告诫的力量了，就是我们不应该藉着大笔的捐赠使上帝希望我们经手的钱财出手；因为祂希望使我的丈夫和我成为祂藉以在许多地方举起真理旗帜的媒介。威利代替了他的父亲，我已看出我们的工作具有这样一种性质，以致我们不应该感到依赖弟兄们或任何机构或任何一个人或一班人的决定；因为他们若不是成圣的，就会行事与上帝的工作相反。我看到主有一项特别的工作要我们去做。没有受教于上帝的人，不在祂圣灵感化之下的人，会因缺乏辨识力而被安置在负责的岗位，他们的影响力就会有一种控制力，许多决定就会使事情进入错误的渠道。不仅圣工会因拒绝接受和顺从上帝命令的人而受到危害，而且就在我们中间的一些在计划和执行工作上有分的人，与上帝也没有密切的联络。可是这些人的判断却会被视为可靠的。他们若是能分辨圣的和俗的，就会将自己的才能奉献给上帝，他们作商人的禀赋也会作为一种神圣的托付予以使用。但他们却从未悔改归正，他们也不以上帝为他们所敬畏所倚赖的。可是他们的决定却在上帝的工作中捆绑人或释放人，好像他们是在祂圣灵的成圣影响之下似的。{1888 1259.2}
§26
I can now see the force of the cautions given me of the Lord, that we should not by large gifts place out of our hands the means that God desired us to handle.; for he would make my husband and myself agents through whom the standard of truth should be raised in many places. Willie takes the place of his father, I have seen that our work was of such a character that we were not to feel dependent upon our brethren or upon any institution or on the decisions of any man or class of men; for unless they were sanctified, they would counter-work the work of God. I saw that the Lord had a special work for us to do. Men untaught of God, men who were not under the influence of his Spirit, would through lack of discernment be placed in positions of trust, where their influence would have a controlling power, and many decisions would be made that would sway things in a wrong channel. Not only would the cause be imperilled by men who would refuse to accept and obey the commandments of God, but some who were right among us, who acted a part both in planning and executing the work, were not in close connection with God. Yet the judgment of these men would be regarded as reliable. If they were able to distinguish 1260sacred things from the common, they would consecrate their talents of ability to God, and their endowments as business men would be employed as a sacred trust. But they have never been converted, and they do not make God their fear and their trust. Yet their decisions bind or loose in the work of God, as if they were under the sanctification of his Holy Spirit. {1888 1259.2}
§27
自从我的丈夫去世以来，我再三得到这样的警告：“当心居于高位的人。不要置身于人们的权下或控制之下；因为会有些人不明白上帝行事的方式。你不可被束缚住。不要被你可能受催促要做的任何决定捆住手脚。自私往往会控制人们的意念和判断。我有明白的见证要你去做，但不认识上帝和祂使人成圣之灵的人却会误导人。他们不会接受真理的见证，他们也不会接受纠正。他们会心怀嫉妒。藉着猜忌，藉着抵抗上帝的灵，他们会听从撒但的建议，会使你非常艰难去做我所赐给你的工作。我已安排了你，使你有受托的感化力和财力去建立我的工作，推进我国度的利益，不被那些人的判断和意见所阻碍，他们并不下工夫去了解上帝的心意和旨意。”{1888 1260.1}
§28
Since my husband’s death, I have repeatedly received such warnings as those: “Beware of men in high places. Do not place yourself in the power or under the control of men; for there will be those who do not understand the way of God’s working. You must not be bound. Do not tie your hands by any decisions you may be urged to make. Too often selfishness will control the mind and judgment of men. I have plain testimonies for you to bear, but the men who know not God and the sanctification of his Spirit will mislead. They will not receive the testimonies of the truth., they will not be corrected. They will cherish jealousy. Through envy, through resistance of the Spirit of God they will give heed to the suggestions of Satan, and will make it very hard for you to do the work I have given you to do. I have placed you so that you shall have influence and means in trust to establish my work, to advance the interest of my kingdom, and not be hindered by the judgment and decisions of men who do not make it their study to know the mind and will of God.” {1888 1260.1}
§29
我亲爱的弟兄啊，我蒙指示看见你有时竟允许不受上帝之灵控制之人的判断使你去支持令上帝不悦的计划和主张。关于你们的一些议事会，主的话已再三临到我，提出需要纠正的弊端；但是你即使看见了这些弊端，也不敢坚定勇敢地捍卫正义。你的判断有被败坏的危险。既知道这个事实，就使我身上的担子更重了。上帝不喜悦这些事。关于爱尔德里奇船长，我不得不再三写给他督责的话。你看到了邪恶在起作用，行事却不象在你这个位置的人所应该行的。关于我不得不责备的人，你若没有更加清晰地看出邪恶并果断行事，主的话就没有原会有的效果。当你们议事会中的局面非常令主反感时，祂对我说了这些话：“公平转而退后，公义站在远处；诚实在街上仆倒，正直也不得进入。诚实少见；离恶的人反成掠物。那时，耶和华看见没有公平，甚不喜悦”（赛59:14,15）。{1888 1260.2}
§30
I have been shown that you, my dear brother, have sometimes allowed the judgment of men who are not controlled by the Spirit of God to lead you to give your influences to plans and propositions that have displeased God. In regard to some of your councils the word of the Lord has come to me again and again, presenting evils that need correcting; but if you have seen the evils, you have not dared to stand firmly and boldly in defense of the right. There is danger that your judgment will be perverted. A knowledge of this fact has brought the burden heavier upon me. God is not pleased with these 1261things. In regard to Captain Eldridge I have had to write words of reproof again and again. You saw the evil that was at work, and yet you did not move as one in your position ought to have done. In regard to men whom I have had to reprove, the word of the Lord did not have the effect it would have had if you had discerned the evil more clearly and had acted decidedly. These words were spoken to me when the state of things in your councils was so objectionable to the Lord: “Judgment is turned away backward, and justice standeth afar off; the truth is fallen in the street, and equity cannot enter. Yes, truth faileth, and he that departeth from evil maketh himself a prey. And the Lord saw it, and it displeased him that there was no judgment.” {1888 1260.2}
§31
在巴特尔克里克的出版社里在其存在着种种弊端。上帝所赐的信息对那些充任显要职位的人来说没有足够的分量去改变事情的走向。我蒙指示看到，当人们的自私抢夺上帝的府库时，撒但就快乐了。有些人对我没有友好的情感，因为他们丧失了高薪。爱尔德里奇船长、亨利弟兄、弗兰克.贝尔登和其他人放纵了这种情绪。这些人中间没有一个人会在上帝面前清白，除非他们偿还给主的圣工他们自私贪婪的精神所抢夺的东西。我蒙指示看见支付这种过高工资的结果是真有良心的工人会受到压迫。那些抓住每一块钱为己所用的人会随己意处理问题，只要他们有机会这么做。{1888 1261.1}
§32
For a long time and evils existed in the office at Battle Creek. The messages that God had given did not have sufficient weight with those who filled prominent positions to change the current of things. I was shown that Satan was jubilant when the selfishness of men was robbing the treasury of God. There are some who have not had kindly feelings toward me because they were deprived of those large wages. Such feelings were indulged by Captain Eldridge, Bro. Henry, Frank Belden and others. Never will any one of those men be clear before God until he makes restitution to the Lord’s cause for that of which the selfish, avaricious spirit has robbed the work. I was shown that the result of paying such exorbitant wages would be that workers who were really conscientious would be oppressed; the ones who grasped every dollar they could put to their own use would manage matters to please themselves if they had a chance to do so. {1888 1261.1}
§33
我看到你那么需要亨利弟兄，就一直很心痛。我在这事上看不到一点亮光。上帝需要无私正直的人，其判断不被感情左右，不会在刚愎的精神下作决定的人。主说：“尊重我的，我必重看他”（撒上2:30）。{1888 1261.2}
§34
I have been pained at my heart as I have seen the great demand you have for Bro. Henry. I can see no light in it. God wants unselfish, just men, whose judgment is not swayed by feeling, men who will not make decisions under a perverse spirit. “Them that honour me, I will honour,” saith the Lord. {1888 1261.2}
§35
就我自己来说，我不在意工资，但我确实在意严格的原则和公平，确实在意合理的判断。当那些结伙的人从上帝的库中支取他们不配得或不是他们挣得的高薪，而其他在出版社工作或从事建立圣工其它部门的人却领取低薪，同时本着良心，以正直、全心全意和纯洁之心工作的时候，他们就犯下了严重的错误。上帝不会视而不见的。这些人悔改的时候，要把他们所收到超过他们应得的每一块钱都归还库中。我们是在基督的圣徒身上与祂打交道。让一个人受抬举，另一个更加忠心真诚的人，却被置于艰难的处境，是既不公正又不公平的。上帝必定报应这些事。{1888 1262.1}
§36
Now in regard to myself, I care not for wages; but I do care for strict principle and equity. I do care for sound judgment when men who had entered into a confederacy have taken from God’s treasury large wages that they no more earned or deserved than did others in the office or engaged in building up other branches of the cause, who received small wages, but who were doing their work conscientiously in integrity and whole-heartedness and purity, a deep wrong was done, that God does not wink at. When these men are converted, every dollar they have received above what they should have had will be returned to the treasury. We are dealing with Christ in the person of his saints. To allow one to be exalted, and another, more faithful and true, to be placed in a hard position, is not just and equal. God will surely repay these things. {1888 1262.1}
§37
我越来越感到我的工作是在这个国家。我们不敢在澳大利亚和新西兰的工作处于现在这个阶段的时候离开。你可以看到W.C.怀特的处境。我无法同意他继续这样下去。要是没有其他人看出必须缓解局势，我就肯定要就我儿子施加决定性的影响。我希望能在亨利弟兄身上看到那么明确的革新，以致我能对你寄予他的信任感到满意。我知道那种已经在很大程度上控制了此人的精神，我一想到你与他联结，由他作你的同伴去访问欧洲，就非常郁闷。关于上帝所赐的信息，将要撒下多少不信的种子呢？他的声音和影响将会给上帝的工作带来多少扭曲和转折，与上帝的心意和旨意相反呢？我对你非常惊讶，非常担心，我对你的情况没有感到我会很高兴感到的那种确信。我不希望你作出错误的判断。我不希望你令上帝不悦。我不愿说一句令你灰心的话，但我必须警告你。{1888 1262.2}
§38
I am more and more impressed that my work is in this country. We dare not leave the work in Australia and New Zealand at its present stage. You can see the way W.C.W. is situated, and I cannot consent for him to continue to do as he has done. If no one else sees the necessity of relieving the situation, I shall certainly bring decided influence to bear in reference to my son. I wish I could see so decided a reformation in Bro. Henry that I could regard with satisfaction the confidence you seem to repose in him. I know the spirit that has controlled the man in a large degree, and I am much depressed at the thought of your linking up with him as your companion to visit Europe. How many seeds of unbelief will be sown in regard to the messages God gives? How many twistings and turnings will his voice and influence give to the work, counter to the mind and will of God? I am not a little surprised, and not a little afraid for yourself. I do not feel that assurance in your case I would be glad to feel. I do not want you to err in judgment. I do not want you to displease God. I would not say one word to discourage you, but I must warn you. {1888 1262.2}
§39
奥尔森长老啊，我想要对你说，你切不可有什么打算让我去非洲，我看不到这种举动有什么亮光和一致性。时候到了，我该找个退休的地方，享有精神的平静与安息。我五十年来一直处在战乱之中，我不希望坚持这种主动的侍奉直到我不知道何时放手。我想那个时期已经到了，我必须放弃会在新园地中遇到的种种操心和困惑。我只剩下一点力气了。{1888 1263.1}
§40
Elder Olsen, I wish to say to you, You must not make any calculation for me to go to Africa, I see no light and consistency in such a move. It is time for me to find some retired place, and have quietude and rest of spirit. I have been in the turmoil of battle for fifty years, and I do not wish to hold on to the active service until I do not know when it is time to let go. I think that period has come when I must lay off cares and perplexities that meet me in new fields. I have some little strength yet left. {1888 1263.1}
§41
谁也不必告诉我非洲的事。我象弟兄们一样清楚我在那里要对付什么；对我来说那会是我曾试图去开垦的最艰难的园地。我熟悉各种因素的混和；因为主已将形势展现在我面前。自从几位韦塞尔斯弟兄占有了他们收到的财产之后，我就更不想去访问非洲了。我知道这会使我非常艰难。要是主藉着我传给他们一个证言，我担心他们不会接受；我知道他们自从接受这份财产之后，他们的危险就大大增加了，他们若是拒绝来自上帝的警告，就必失丧自己的灵魂。我知道仇敌准备要曲解我要说给或写给他们的一切话：我已明确告诉菲利普.韦塞尔斯弟兄，他不再需要我的来信了。{1888 1263.2}
§42
There is no need that any one should tell me of Africa. I know just as well what I would meet there as what my brethren do; for me it would be the hardest field I have ever attempted to work in. The mixture of elements I am acquainted with; for the Lord has opened the situation to me. I am more disinclined to visit Africa since the brethren Wessels have come into possession of the property they have received. I know that this would make it very much harder for me. If the Lord should send them a testimony through me, I fear they would not receive it; I know their peril is greatly increased since they received this property, and if they reject the warnings from God, they will lose their souls. I know that the enemy stands ready to misinterpret all that I may say or write to them: I have been decidedly told by Bro. Phillip Wessels that he wants no more letters from me. {1888 1263.2}
§43
我无意前往欧洲或去访问非洲，我没有一线亮光说明我应该去。我乐意去主指示我责任的任何地方，但我不乐意应总会的要求去，除非我看明我自己的道路离这么做很近。我知道他们不会希望我这么做。我还没觉得想要去美国；因为去那里会有那么多的工作，以致我去那里是不明智的。我会留在这里，等候主进一步的命令吩咐我如何行动。我认为我应该告诉你，以便你不会以为我愿意去，其时我并不觉得那是我的责任。让比较年轻的人从事这种斗争吧。{1888 1263.3}
§44
I have not the slightest inclination to go to Europe or to visit Africa, and I have not one ray of light that I should go. I am willing to go where ever the Lord indicates my duty, but I am not willing to go at the voice of the Conference unless I see my own way closer to do so. I know they would not wish me to do this. I do not yet feel inclined to go to America; for there would be so much work to go there that it would not be wisdom for me to go. I will remain here for further orders from the Lord to bid me how to move. I thought I ought to tell you, so that you would not be thinking I would go, when I do not feel that it is my duty. Let younger persons 1264engage in the conflict. {1888 1263.3}
§45
有数周之久我非常苦闷，以致几乎不知道我应该还活着还是应该死去。斯塔尔夫妇已经去了昆士兰州，我祈求主与他们同去。我认为斯塔尔姐妹在我家做管家并没有减轻我的负担。她缺乏这种岗位所需要的基本素质。在墨尔本经历了严峻的斗争之后，我不能入睡或得到内心的平静。这场斗争涉及责备种种错误，切断了我的生命力和勇气。我精疲力竭地来到格兰维尔，我们缺乏钱财。我有一个很好的房间，斯塔尔夫妇也有一个很好的房间，威利的房间很小，潮湿又不卫生。然后劳伦斯夫妇和马蒂来了，想要逗留几天，他们在学校地皮的事解决之前，有六周会在这里。我们的房子成了一个旅馆，供来来往往的人居住，而如何照顾他们的问题难以解决。我们家有14个人。如何管理财务一直是个难题，但我们竭尽所能缩减了开支。我与家人商量了，经他们同意从餐桌上取消了奶油。我们已经完全弃绝了肉食。自从我们来到格兰维尔之后，就没有一点肉带进家里了。我们的家具都是从拍卖会上廉价买来的。我们伺机购买便宜货。当我们认为《回声》出版社的丹尼尔斯弟兄和史密斯弟兄必需从墨尔本过来时，就支搭了一个帐篷，扩大我们的疆界，我们用一个火炉使它舒适些，弟兄们住在帐篷里，那也是他们开议事会的惟一地点。我们知道没有一个地方可以很舒适地招待这些人。雷基弟兄和其他人常在这里商量工作的事。弗思弟兄们的起诉引起了辩论，使得世俗的报刊上出现了正反双方的许多文章，也使人很活跃地注意这一切的事。{1888 1264.1}
§46
For some weeks I have been passing through such agony of mind that I have scarcely known whether I should live or die. Bro. and Sr. Starr have gone to Queensland, and may the Lord go with them is my prayer. I do not think that Sr. Starr will be any relief to me as matron in my house. She lacks the very qualities essential for such a position. After the stern conflict that I had to pass through in Melbourne, in reference to reproving wrongs, conflicts which cut the very life and courage out of me, I was unable to sleep or to find quietude of mind. I came to Granville thoroughly exhausted, We were destitute of means. I had a good room, Bro. and Sr. Starr had a good room, Willie a little box of a place, damp and unhealthful. Then Bro. and Sr. Lawrence and Mattie came expecting to remain only a few days and they were here six weeks before the question in reference to land for the school was settled. Our house was a hotel for all the comers and goers, and the problem how to take care of them was difficult to solve. Our family numbered fourteen. How to manage the financial part of the business has been a puzzle, but we did our best to curtail the expenses. I consulted the family, and with their consent banished butter from the table. We have wholly discarded meat. Not a particle has been brought into the house since we came to Granville. Everything we have purchased for furnishing the house has been bought at auction sales; we have watched our chances to get cheap articles. When it was thought necessary for Bro. Daniells and Bro. Smith of the Echo office to come over from Melbourne, we had a tent pitched to enlarge our borders, we made it comfortable with a stove, our brethren lodged in the tent, and it was their only place for council meetings. We knew there was not a place where these men could be comfortably entertained. Bro. Reekie and others were often here in consultation in reference to the work. The prosecution of the Firth Brothers created such a controversy and called out so many articles in the secular paper 1265pro and con, that it made very lively work to attend to all these matters. {1888 1264.1}
§47
许多很讨厌的事令我烦恼。我正等着要用赫斯格长老所提到来自美国的钱。正当我们无法从这里的库中提取资金时，他却写道下一次邮件不会把钱寄来。不过我们虽然没有收到钱，却收到了赫斯格弟兄的消息说他拿了给太平洋出版社的第一笔2万美元的付款要寄到这里来，琼斯弟兄却说他们需要把钱留在出版社，然后将它并入普通基金。我不仅忧伤而且愤慨。在我们收到这封信之前几天，我在夜间的异梦里看到了这件事的全部过程。我们似乎是在一个岛上，能看见远处有一艘船向我们驶来，船上有一个人正伸出手来，他手里有一本袖珍书。在那艘船开动之前，我们知道帮助要来；然而一个人上来，拿了那本袖珍书，放在自己的胸袋里，那只伸向我们的手就空了。{1888 1265.1}
§48
Well, many things of a very disagreeable character troubled me. I was depending on the means which Elder Haskell wrote was coming from America. Just when we could not draw from the treasury here, he wrote that the money would come by the next mail. But instead of the money, we received the news that Bro. Haskell took the first payment of the $20,000.00 to the Pacific Press to send here, and Bro. Jones said they needed the money at the Press, and then it would go into the general fund. I was not only grieved but indignant. Only a few nights before this letter reached us, I dreamed all about the matter. We seemed to be on an island, and could see a long distance off that a boat was coming to us, and one man on board was holding out his hand with a pocket book in it. Before the boat had started, we knew that help was coming; but a man came up, and took the pocket book, and but it in his breast pocket, and the hand was held out to us empty. {1888 1265.1}
§49
约在那时我还有一些痛苦经历，总之我象一辆满载禾捆的车一样受压。我的心脏和头都很痛，接下来是麻木。在这之前我从未明白论到基督的话说：“耶稣极其伤痛，祷告”（路22:44）。我必须尽职向我们的人讲话，但是我的心脏非常痛苦。我不敢睡，在极大的痛苦中忧心冲冲在地房间里走动。我知道没有活人能帮我。{1888 1265.2}
§50
I had some other distressing experiences about that time, and altogether I was pressed as a cart beneath sheaves. I had pain in my heart and in my head, followed with numbness. I never understood before the words concerning Christ, `Being in an agony he prayed.” I was of necessity obliged to fill my place in talking to our people, but O, my heart was so painful. I dared not sleep, and would walk the room in distress and agony. I knew that no living soul could help me. {1888 1265.2}
§51
某天早上我一点钟在写日记；我在起床之前祷告了一段时间，那时一切的重担立刻离开了我，平安象江河一样来到我的心灵。后来我与丹尼尔斯弟兄和其他一些人去看学校的地皮。第二天早上我们都在屈膝祈祷的时候，主给我负担为麦卡拉弟兄祷告，因为他应该蒙福，得到力量和医治。那是一段极其蒙福的时光，麦卡拉弟兄说他喉部的麻烦没有了，从那时以后他一直在恢复。{1888 1265.3}
§52
One morning I was writing in my diary at one O’clock; I had been in prayer some time before leaving my bed, when instantly all the burden left me, and peace like a river came to my soul. I then went with Bro. Daniells and some others to see the school land. The next morning while we were all bowed in prayer, the Lord rolled upon me the burden of prayer for 1266Bro. McCullagh, that he should be blessed, strengthened, and healed. It was a most blessed season, and Bro. M. says the difficulty has been removed from his throat, and he has been gaining ever since. {1888 1265.3}
§53
我们既来到这个地方，就必须负起沉重的担子。我们知道让要去检查地皮的委员会住在旅馆里费用会很高，我们又没有钱，所以我便指示梅在这里烹饪食物，送到多拉克里克去供应弟兄们的需要，我们欠了食品店两个月的债，我也借了一点钱自己用，还借了几英镑去救济一位有麻烦的弟兄。{1888 1266.1}
§54
Our coming to this place as we did, made it necessary for us to bear heavy burdens. We knew that it would be costly business for the committee who were to examine the land to board at hotels and money was not to be had, so, by my direction May cooked provision here to send to Dora Creek to supply the necessities of the brethren, and we were two month’s in debt at the grocer’s, and I had borrowed a little money for my own use, and a few pounds to relieve a brother who was in trouble. {1888 1266.1}
§55
然而当收到含有利特尔约翰长老所写两篇文章的《评论与通讯》时，我的精神又极度痛苦了。我似乎是要死了。我写不了字。数日之久我什么也做不了。一种大黑暗的恐怖临到了我。我一想到在出版社身居要职的人不可信赖，就深受触动，他们那么缺少辨识力，竟然允许这种文章付印和流传，把我们这班人交到敌人手里。我的情况成了祷告的主题，在夜间时分耶稣似乎近在我身边。祂说：“让我接受你的担子吧；你承担不了。”我觉得耶稣的膀臂怀抱着我，祂吩咐我阅读《以赛亚书》54章，并且重读第4-8节。然后祂说：“撒但正设法要消灭你；我是你的恢复者。把你的担子放在我身上吧。我必赐给你安息。”我完全释然了，然而复原来得很慢。我的头和心脏依然痛苦。{1888 1266.2}
§56
But when the Review containing the two articles from Elder Littlejohn came, my spirit was again in an agony. It seemed to be that I should die. I could not write. For days I could not do anything. A horror of great darkness came upon me. I was moved to the very earth at the thought that men in responsible places in the office are not to be trusted, that they have so little discernment as to allow such an article to be printed and immortalized, giving us as a people away into the enemies hands. My case was made a subject of prayer, and in the night seasons Jesus seemed close by my side. He said, “Let me take your burden; you cannot bear it.” I thought that the arm of Jesus encircled me and he bade me read. Isaiah 54, and repeated from the fourth to the eight verse. Then he said, “Satan is seeking to destroy you; I am your restorer. Lay your burden upon me. I will give you rest.” I was entirely relieved, but restoration comes slowly. My head and heart are still afflicted. {1888 1266.2}
§57
我写出这一切详情的原因是希望你知道我不敢去非洲。我很困惑，想知道哪里可以得享安息并有机会写作。我有了安息就是睡在坟墓里的想法，可是有些事又使这种想法可资质疑。我最后倾向于的意见是我应该去某个能安家并且不再从总会领工资的地方，而是觉得完全摆脱了一切责任，行事独立于任何一个人和权柄。这就是我现在能看到的一切亮光。我感到不得不置身于不要有这些失望和不会使我的心脏受到可怕震动的地方。我看不到别的道路，只是觉得在我的年纪上帝必赐给我安息。{1888 1266.3}
§58
Now the reason why I write all these particulars is that I wish you to know why I dare not go to Africa. I am in much perplexity to know where to find rest and opportunity to write. I have entertained the idea that the rest was to sleep in the grave, and yet some things have made this questionable. I am last inclined to the 1267opinion that I should go to some place where I can make me home and no longer receive means from the General Conference, but feel entirely free from all responsibility, and move independently of every man and power. This is all the light I can see at present. I feel compelled to place myself where I shall not have these disappointments and terrible shocks to my heart. I see no other way than to feel that at my age God will give me rest. {1888 1266.3}
§59
然而在《评论与通讯》上给世人看的那些文章在我看来却是对我们圣工的一次极其可怕的出卖，把我们的工作交到了敌人手里。我们有些人行事在另一个灵的控制之下，而不在上帝的控制之下。惟一安全的做法就是把他们替换成能将号角吹出确定声音的人，他们不会在这些末后的日子发出错误的警报，使上帝的子民软弱、困惑和混乱。此时他们需要每一点活力和清净的远见，好看出撒但的诡计，坚定果断地对付他，英勇地打主的仗。在《评论与通讯》出版社的人若是允许利特尔约翰长老的这种材料传到外国，就要解雇他们，无论他们是谁。我的心难受痛苦虚弱无力。{1888 1267.1}
§60
But those articles in the Review to be given to the world seem to me a most terrible betrayal of our cause and work in to the hands of our enemies. Some of our people are moving under the control of another Spirit than that of God. The only safe course to pursue is to put in their place those that can give the trumpet a certain sound, and not have false alarms sounded that weaken, perplex, and confuse the people of God in these last days. At this time they now need every particle of energy and clear foresight to discern the wiles of Satan, to meet him firmly, decidedly, and to fight manfully the battles of the Lord. If men in the Review and Herald Office will permit such matter as that of Elder Littlejohn’s to go abroad, let them be discharged, whoever they may be. My heart is sick and sore and faint. {1888 1267.1}