第03章 与疑惑作斗争
§1
第03章 与疑惑作斗争
§2
Chapter 3—Strivings Against Doubt
§3
这时我渴望复学，再度尝试接受教育，于是我就进入了波特兰的女子神学校。但是当我再开始读书时，我的身体却很快地衰弱了，显然我若坚持继续读下去，就必付上我的生命为代价。于是我只好伤心地回家。{LS 26.1}[1]
§4
I again became very anxious to attend school and make another trial to obtain an education, and I entered a ladies’ seminary in Portland. But upon attempting to resume my studies, my health rapidly failed, and it became apparent that if I persisted in attending school, it would be at the expense of my life. With great sadness I returned to my home.?{LS 26.1}[1]
§5
我发觉我在女子学院很难享受宗教的乐趣，因为那里环境的影响，常使人心离开上帝。我有一段时期对于自己和自己基督徒的造诣颇为不满，不能一直生动地感受上帝的恩典和慈爱，有时觉得灰心失望，因此极为忧虑。{LS 26.2}[2]
§6
I had found it difficult to enjoy religion in the seminary, surrounded by influences calculated to attract the mind and lead it from God. For some time I felt a constant dissatisfaction with myself and my Christian attainments, and did not continually realize a lively sense of the mercy and love of God. Feelings of discouragement would come over me, and this caused me great anxiety of mind.?{LS 26.2}[2]
§7
【波特兰的复临运动】
§8
1842年6月，米勒耳先生第二次来到波特兰卡斯科街教堂布道。这时我正在沮丧失意之中，并且觉得自己还没有预备好迎见我的救主；所以我认为这次又能赴会听讲，实在是个上好的权利。合城的人对这第二次的布道会远比第一次来得兴奋。可是除了少数的例外，一般公教派都闭门拒绝米勒耳先生。许多教会都在讲台上设法揭露这位演讲者的所谓狂热的谬见；但总有成群至为忧急的听众前来赴会，以致许多人无法挤进会堂。会众都是异常地安静并注意听讲。{LS 26.3}[3]
§9
【The Advent Cause in Portland】
§10
In June, 1842, Mr. Miller gave his second course of lectures at the Casco Street church in Portland. I felt it a great privilege to attend these lectures; for I had fallen under discouragements, and did not feel prepared to meet my Saviour. This second course created much more excitement in the city than the first. With few exceptions, the different denominations closed the doors of their churches against Mr. Miller. Many discourses from the various pulpits sought to expose the alleged fanatical errors of the lecturer; but crowds of anxious listeners attended his meetings, and many were unable to enter the house. The congregations were unusually quiet and attentive.?{LS 26.3}[3]
§11
米勒耳先生讲道的方式既非文采横溢，也不激昂雄辩；他只是提出简明而动人的事实来，使他的听众从冷淡不经意的景况中醒悟。他在讲道时，总是引用圣经来证实他的话语和理论。他的话都带有一种令人折服的能力，使人感觉句句都是真实的。{LS 27.1}[4]
§12
Mr. Miller’s manner of preaching was not flowery or oratorical, but he dealt in plain and startling facts, that roused his hearers from their careless indifference. He supported his statements and theories by Scripture proof as he progressed. A convincing power attended his words, that seemed to stamp them as the language of truth.?{LS 27.1}[4]
§13
他是彬彬有礼而善表同情的。当堂内已经满座而讲台的左右也好像过分拥挤的时候，我曾看见他走下讲台，到下面讲席的通路中去扶一位体弱的老人或老妇，替他们寻找座位，然后再回去继续他的讲论。他确实是一位配称为“慈父米勒耳”的人，因为他对于凡来听他讲道的人都怀着满腔爱护的热忱，他的禀性温和，为人忠厚，心地慈悲。{LS 27.2}[5]
§14
He was courteous and sympathetic. When every seat in the house was full, and the platform and places about the pulpit seemed overcrowded, I have seen him leave the desk, and walk down the aisle, and take some feeble old man or woman by the hand and find a seat for them, then return and resume his discourse. He was indeed rightly called “Father Miller,” for he had a watchful care over those who came under his ministrations, was affectionate in his manner, of a genial disposition and tender heart.?{LS 27.2}[5]
§15
他是一个能引人入胜的演说家，他的劝勉对于自称为基督徒以及冥顽不化的人，都很适当而且带着能力。有时他的聚会充满感人的严肃。听众都感觉到人类紧急的危机已经临到。许多人依服了上帝圣灵的感动。白发苍苍的老翁与年迈的妇女们，都战战兢兢地来到台前祷告；那些身强力壮的中年人，青年与儿童，也都深深地受到感动。痛哭流泪的声音与颂赞上帝的歌声，交织在祷告的坛上。{LS 27.3}[6]
§16
He was an interesting speaker, and his exhortations, both to professed Christians and the impenitent, were appropriate and powerful. Sometimes a solemnity so marked as to be painful, pervaded his meetings. A sense of the impending crisis of human events impressed the minds of the listening crowds. Many yielded to the conviction of the Spirit of God. Gray-haired men and aged women with trembling steps sought the anxious seats; those in the strength of maturity, the youth and children, were deeply stirred. Groans and the voice of weeping and of praise to God were mingled at the altar of prayer.?{LS 27.3}[6]
§17
上帝仆人所讲严肃的话语我都相信，所以当人们加以反对或嘲笑的时候，我就非常痛心。我常赴这些聚会，并且相信耶稣不久就要驾天云降临；我最大的焦虑就是要如何预备好迎见祂。我时常默念的题旨乃是心地的圣洁。我最大的愿望就是要得到这莫大的福惠，并感觉到上帝已经完全悦纳了我。{LS 27.4}[7]
§18
I believed the solemn words spoken by the servant of God, and my heart was pained when they were opposed or made the subject of jest. I frequently attended the meetings, and believed that Jesus was soon to come in the clouds of heaven; but my great anxiety was to be ready to meet Him. My mind constantly?dwelt upon the subject of holiness of heart. I longed above all things to obtain this great blessing, and feel that I was entirely accepted of God.?{LS 27.4}[7]
§19
【关于成圣问题的困惑】
§20
在卫理公会的信徒中我听过许多有关成圣的事，但没有明确的概念。这种福气似乎是我所无法得到的，是一种我的心从未体验的纯洁状态。我见过人们在强烈的精神兴奋下全身无力，也听过人们宣布这就是成圣的证据。但我不能明白为了完全献身于上帝必须做什么。我的基督徒朋友对我说：“现在就相信耶稣！现在就相信祂悦纳你！”我试着这样去做了，但发现我不可能相信自己已得到了那种令我全身振奋的福气。我奇怪自己心地的刚硬，因为不能体验别人所表现的精神兴奋。我觉得自己似乎与他们是不同的，永远得不到内心圣洁的完全喜乐。{LS 28.1}[8]
§21
【In Perplexity Over Sanctification】
§22
Among the Methodists I had heard much in regard to sanctification, but had no definite idea in regard to it. This blessing seemed away beyond my reach, a state of purity my heart could never know. I had seen persons lose their physical strength under the influence of strong mental excitement, and had heard this pronounced to be the evidence of sanctification. But I could not comprehend what was necessary in order to be fully consecrated to God. My Christian friends said to me: “Believe in Jesus?now! Believe that He accepts you?now!” This I tried to do, but found it impossible to believe that I had received a blessing which, it seemed to me, should electrify my whole being. I wondered at my own hardness of heart in being unable to experience the exaltation of spirit that others manifested. It seemed to me that I was different from them, and forever shut out from the perfect joy of holiness of heart.?{LS 28.1}[8]
§23
我对称义与成圣的概念模糊不清，觉得这两种状态是彼此分离的；但我不明白这些术语的意义，也不明白两者之间的区别。传道人的所有解释，反而增加了我的困难。我无法为自己祈求祝福，想知道这是否只是在卫理公会才会发生的情况，是否我参加复临大会，就不会自绝于我最想得到的上帝使人成圣之灵了。{LS 28.2}[9]
§24
My ideas concerning justification and sanctification were confused. These two states were presented to my mind as separate and distinct from each other; yet I failed to comprehend the difference or understand the meaning of the terms, and all the explanations of the preachers increased my difficulties. I was unable to claim the blessing for myself, and wondered if it was to be found only among the Methodists, and if, in attending the advent meetings, I was not shutting myself away from that which I desired above all else,—the sanctifying Spirit of God.?{LS 28.2}[9]
§25
我还观察到，有些自称已成圣的人，听到基督即将降临的信息时，面有难色，表现出苦毒的精神。在我看来，那不是他们所自称的圣洁表现。我不能理解传道人为什么在讲台上那么反对基督复临已近的道理。这种信仰的传讲已带来了改革，许多最忠诚的传道人和平信徒已将它接受为真理。我觉得诚心爱耶稣的人都会欣然接受祂降临的消息，并且因祂的降临已近而欢喜快乐。{LS 29.1}[10]
§26
Still I observed that some of those who claimed to be sanctified, manifested a bitter spirit when the subject of the soon coming of Christ was introduced. This did not seem to me a manifestation of the holiness which they professed. I could not understand why ministers from the pulpit should so oppose the doctrine that Christ’s second coming was near. Reformation had followed the preaching of this belief, and many of the most devoted ministers and laymen had received it as the truth. It seemed to me that those who sincerely loved Jesus would be ready to accept the tidings of His coming, and rejoice that it was at hand.?{LS 29.1}[10]
§27
我觉得自己只能追求他们所说的称义。我在上帝的话中读到了非圣洁就没有人能见上帝。因而我必须达到某种更高的境界，才有永生的把握。我继续研究这个题目；因为我相信基督不久就要来了，惟恐祂会发现我没有预备好迎见祂。定罪的话日夜萦绕在我耳际。我向上帝不断地呼求：“我当做什么才能得救？”{LS 29.2}[11]
§28
I felt that I could claim only what they called justification. In the word of God I read that without holiness no man should see God. Then there was some higher attainment that I must reach before I could be sure of eternal life. I studied over the subject continually; for I believed that Christ was soon to come, and feared He would find me unprepared to meet Him. Words of condemnation rang in my ears day and night, and my constant cry to God was, “What shall I do to be saved?”?{LS 29.2}[11]
§29
【永刑的教义】
§30
在我看来，上帝的公义超越了祂的怜悯和仁爱。我内心的痛苦很深很重。人们曾教导我相信有一个永远燃烧着烈焰的地狱；而当我想到罪人没有上帝没有指望的悲惨状况时，便深感绝望。我担心我应该沦丧，应该永远过着活受罪的生活。我一直惊恐地想到，我的罪太大了，不能得到赦免。我应该永远沦丧。{LS 29.3}[12]
§31
【The Doctrine of Eternal Punishment】
§32
In my mind the justice of God eclipsed His mercy and love. The mental anguish I passed through at this time was very great. I had been taught to believe in an eternally burning hell; and as I thought of the wretched state of the sinner without God, without hope, I was in deep despair. I feared that I should be lost, and that I should live throughout eternity suffering a living death. The horrifying thought was ever before me, that my sins were too great to be forgiven, and that I should be forever lost.?{LS 29.3}[12]
§33
我所听到关于灭亡之人的可怕描述已深印在我的脑海里。讲台上的传道人形象地讲论了沦丧之人的状况。他们教导说，上帝只打算拯救成圣的人。上帝的眼目始终盯在我们身上；祂亲自以无限的智慧准确地记载着那些案卷；我们所犯的每一宗罪都如实地记录在册，并将受到公正的惩罚。{LS 30.1}[13]
§34
The frightful descriptions that I had heard of souls in perdition sank deep into my mind. Ministers in the pulpit drew vivid pictures of the condition of the lost. They taught that God proposed to save none but the sanctified; that the eye of God was upon us always; that God Himself was keeping the books with the exactness of infinite wisdom; and that every sin we committed was faithfully registered against us, and would meet its just punishment.?{LS 30.1}[13]
§35
人们描述撒但急于抓住他的掠物并把我们带到痛苦的深渊，很高兴我们在一个永远燃烧的地狱里受苦。我们在那里受了千年万载的折磨之后，火浪会把扭动挣扎的受苦者卷到表面。他们尖声道：“主啊，要到几时，要到几时呢？”于是有回答的雷霆下达深渊：“直到永远！”炽热的巨浪就再次吞没沦丧的人，把他们带到一个永远燃烧的火湖深渊。{LS 30.2}[14]
§36
Satan was represented as eager to seize upon his prey, and bear us to the lowest depths of anguish, there to exult over our sufferings in the horrors of an eternally burning hell, where, after the tortures of thousands upon thousands of years, the fiery billows would roll to the surface the writhing victims, who would shriek, “How long, O Lord, how long?” Then the answer would thunder down the abyss, “Through all eternity!” Again the molten waves would engulf the lost, carrying them down into the depths of an ever restless sea of fire.?{LS 30.2}[14]
§37
在听这些骇人的描述时，我思潮澎湃，开始出汗，忍不住发出痛苦的哭泣，因为我似乎已感受到灭亡的痛苦。然后传道人会描述人生的无常：此刻我们在世，下一刻就可能下地狱了；或者此刻我们在地上，下一刻就在天堂了。我们愿意选择火湖与鬼魔们为伍呢，还是选择天国的福气，与天使们作伴呢？我们愿意永远听到哀号之声和沦丧之人的咒诅呢，还是在宝座之前唱耶稣之歌呢？{LS 30.3}[15]
§38
While listening to these terrible descriptions, my imagination would be so wrought upon that the perspiration would start, and it was difficult to suppress a cry of anguish, for I seemed already to feel the pains of perdition. Then the minister would dwell upon the uncertainty of life: one moment we might be here, and the next in hell; or one moment on earth, and the next in heaven. Would we choose the lake of fire and the company of demons, or the bliss of heaven with angels for our companions? Would we hear the voice of wailing and the cursing of lost souls through all eternity, or sing the songs of Jesus before the throne??{LS 30.3}[15]
§39
给我的印象是：天父是一个暴君，以被定罪之人的痛苦为乐，而不是罪人温柔慈怜的朋友，以超过人理解的爱关爱祂所造的人，切愿他们得救到祂的国里。{LS 30.4}[16]
§40
Our heavenly Father was presented before my mind as a tyrant, who delighted in the agonies of the condemned; not as the tender, pitying Friend of?sinners, who loves His creatures with a love past all understanding, and desires them to be saved in His kingdom.?{LS 30.4}[16]
§41
当我想到上帝喜欢按祂的形像所造的人受折磨时，似乎就有一堵黑墙把我和祂隔开了。当我想到宇宙的创造主会把恶人投入地狱，在那里永远不停地烧他们时，我的心就因恐惧而消沉了，并对如此残暴的主会屈尊救我脱离罪的厄运丧失了信心。{LS 31.1}[17]
§42
When the thought took possession of my mind that God delighted in the torture of His creatures, who were formed in His image, a wall of darkness seemed to separate me from Him. When I reflected that the Creator of the universe would plunge the wicked into hell, there to burn through the ceaseless rounds of eternity, my heart sank with fear, and I despaired that so cruel and tyrannical a being would ever condescend to save me from the doom of sin.?{LS 31.1}[17]
§43
我以为被定罪之罪人的命运将是我的命运。我将永远忍受地狱的火焰，甚至象上帝自己存在得那么久。我几乎完全被黑暗所笼罩，似乎无法摆脱这些阴影。要是真理象我现在明白的这样被介绍给我，原会使我免遭许多的困惑和悲伤。如果多讲上帝的爱，少讲祂严厉的审判，祂品格的荣美原会激励我更深更恳切地爱我的创造主。{LS 31.2}[18]
§44
I thought that the fate of the condemned sinner would be mine,—to endure the flames of hell forever, even as long as God Himself existed. Almost total darkness settled upon me, and there seemed no way out of the shadows. Could the truth have been presented to me as I now understand it, much perplexity and sorrow would have been spared me. If the love of God had been dwelt upon more, and His stern justice less, the beauty and glory of His character would have inspired me with a deep and earnest love for my Creator.?{LS 31.2}[18]